Dear stupid dyke bitch who masquerades as a meter maid,

I hope you die. I know that being born stupid, ugly and without a penis was terribly unfair but it is not my problem. You give me parking tickets when I don't deserve them, and even when I do you pick my car out of a row of several dozen to check and ignore the rest. Lesbian kind should disown you, since you are such an ugly bitch, but if they won't I will. As an ambassador of human-kind I hereby declare you no longer worthy of the title "human" therefore anyone who wishes to run you over, and over and over, is allowed and encouraged to do so.

Best Wishes You Stupid Cunt,

The guy whom you gave a $5.00 ticket

I have a feeling she won't stay retired for long. Radioactive mutant lizards tend to crave wanton destruction, something that is in short supply at most retirement facilities. Well unless you count fried chicken night, which often does lead to destroyed villages and ruptured power plants.

Lord of the Rings dominated last night and was easily the highlight of an otherwise boring Oscar Awards Show. I think Return of the King was the weakest in the trilogy but really the eleven Oscars it received were for the collective genius of the three films. Voting, with a trilogy in mind, is unfair to the other nominated films however; fairness is thrown out the window when The Lord of the Rings has grossed well over two billion dollars worldwide. Even that golden hued bald bastard has to recognize greatness on such a colossal scale.

Speaking of blockbuster films The Passion of the Christ had a pretty fair opening. I really don't want to see this film for a variety of reasons, none of which have to do with religion. I absolutely abhor subtitles, unless crazy White Coyto Dragon Tail kung fu action is involved, and even then I typically prefer watching the movie with poorly synched English voiceovers. Also, Bob finds graphic violence, which is rooted in reality, to be disturbing and off-putting. Odds are I will overcome these issues and watch the film this week or early next.


I am starting a diet today, well actually tonight, since I slept through the lion share of the day. Anyway, I had a revelation of sorts this weekend concerning my appearance. It doesn't matter what other people, in particular women, think about my looks because there is little I can change about them. If I am ugly, so be it and if I am not, great. Whether I am fat, skinny or somewhere in-between my outward appearance stays fairly constant.

Nonetheless there is a point where too much is too much. I need to lose weight for health reasons. In the past I lost weight for the wrongs reasons; to avoid criminal prosecution, to impress a girl, even once to make my penis look bigger. Wish me luck with the weight loss, or not since some of you are envious fucks who want to see Bob suffer, and know that no matter how much I weigh that Bob is better than you.

By way go to my other blog as I will once again attempt a daily diet journal.

Go to Hell

This blog has existed for over a year now. It started exactly one year and two days ago. A lot has happened in that time. I gained fifty pounds and masturbated over one-thousand times. Well ok not much has occurred unless you count each individual period of "personal" time as a separate occurrence then you would probably classify me as pretty busy. Either that or extremely pathetic and really aren't they the same thing? Regardless you can rest assured that I still hate each and everyone of you very much and will continue my daily prayers to Mara in hopes that your lives turn to shit and are left in shambles.


And if Buddha's cosmic rival doesn't manage to ruin your life, rest assured some dirty Mexicans probably will.



Go to Hell

I contacted Mensa several days ago in order to ascertain how one joins their esteemed organization. It seems that a score in the 98th percentile on any of several dozen standardized tests is required, oh and you have to pay them $25.00. Hmmmm.... So I have to pay them to be part of the genius club. That does not seem to smart to me. If someone’s intelligence is in the upper 2% echelon they don't need a little Mensa card to make them feel smart. Of course I am an egotistical son of a bitch, who completely lacks any common sense, so I am considering anteing up the money.

However, in my case I have never taken any of their accepted tests so I would also have to pay an extra $35.00 to take the test, then score in the top two percent and finally send them a check for $25.00. Sounds like a lot of work, and money for someone who is unemployed but the potential ego boost far outweighs the negative. Then again the entire application process may just be one elaborate test to weed out anyone foolish to pay them money. Boy that would suck.

Go to Hell

I talk to myself way too much. The occasional mumble, or even a rhetorical question or two is fine but having full blown socio-economic discussions with yourself is unacceptable. I need to leave the trailer and engage in human interaction but that is so much work. My parents refuse to speak with me for more then five minutes. I did try to have an engaging conversation with my little brother but he felt my position on partial-birth abortion was wrong and proceeded to punch me in the nuts.

I didn't really think verbalizing my internal debate was much a of problem until the other day. I was questioning the value of relationships, specifically wondering the worth of sexual activity, when I blurted out that "Bob needs a blowjob." As luck would have it, two middle age gentlemen stepped out of a restaurant in front of me at that exact moment. I sighed in relief when neither offered to give me one.

Go to Hell

I cleaned out the basement in the building next to my dad's store. We might make a
couple dollars selling the stuff, which can be used to replace my fucking hip. I am in
excruciating pain and am unable to put weight on my left leg. Due to my gross obesity it is unwise to distribute my massive girth on the right leg, as it very well may buckle underneath me.

Overweight men, with one good leg, are very similar to the elderly because after toppling over all we are able to do is croak out "help me I can't get up" and vainly crawl to a nearby phone.

Go to Hell

The final harbinger is here, the end time draws nigh for Fox television has produced a two-part midget dating show. Thus far it is very similar to the Bachelor except all the parties involved are less than four feet tall. However, there is a major twist "average" sized women will be introduced later in the show. I have two things to say first: Jesus Fucking Christ what is wrong with Fox and second why not introduce chimpanzees into the potential dating pool because midgets and monkeys would make great television.

I could critique the show but really there is no need. The Littlest Groom marks the end of human existence but don't fret because the Cockroach Overlords will soon take over. Hopefully they won't make the same mistake and let insipid reality television destroy the world.


Go to Hell


Update: Miniature women jumping up and down on a bed is sort of hot. I should date a midget especially one who is only dated other midgets because at the very least my junk would look average and perhaps even huge by comparison. Just a thought please continue going to hell.

Update Part Dos: Midget ladies hitting a golf ball is hilarious, not to mention stirring in the groin. That is all, please maintain your descent into the fiery pit.

Author's Note: Today's post is meant to comfort the lovelorn but it is directed towards those who find themselves in loving relationships.


I am single; several hundred pounds over weight and live in a decrepit trailer. I've dated two women in my life. One is getting married in the summer, the other is destined for a future in amateur porn (specifically movies involving white women with big asses). There is no reason for Bob to be in a celebratory mood on Valentines Day, in fact he is quite unhappy. He is very much alone.

Usually I can forget about being single, or at the very least suppress the unpleasant feelings associated with being alone. Once a year I am forced to recognize how pitiful my love life truly is, there upon I reflect on my sad state of being for several hours. This year is no different. Of course I do find solace in the fact that millions of other people are spending this day alone, dejected and full of bitterness. The following is for those miserable people:

"Hatred is by far the longest pleasure; Men love in haste, but they detest at leisure." Lord Byron


Go out and hate your fellow man, take pleasure in knowing that sometime, most likely in the immediate future, they will be joining you.


Go to Hell you miserable sons of bitches who have someone to hold on Valentines Day. I hope you develop oozing sores all over your genitals and along the inner lining of the rectum.

This is why I hate Mexico and Soccer/pussyfootball, besides the obvious reasons, such as the former are stinky and the latter is extremely boring.


Go to Hell