The Car, The Incline, and The Man Who Brought Them Together

One hour ago, I went out for Taco Bell. I wasn't particularly hungry, but I am particularly fat. On the way, I happened upon a poor soul who was jumping up and down in front of his car, which was planted in the middle of the right lane; thankfully (for his sake) I was feeling magnanimous and didn't run his stupid ass over. I pulled in front of his car and inquired what the problem was. Keep in mind, his car was parked in the middle of street with no caution lights or any discernable light source within 500 ft of his location. He explained that he ran out of gas and asked if I would push his car 1000ft (give or take way too fucking much) to the gas station.

I had three major reservations with his request:

• First of all, I am morbidly obese and physically unable to push a car 10 ft, making the requisite 1000 foot distance all but impossible.
• Secondly, the nearest gas station was located on a slight incline, as was much the distance required to get there. And, as we all know pushing a car up a hill, slight as it may appear, often results in: Oh Shit, Oh Shit. SPLAT... If you’re God, why do you have horns on your head and an engorged goat vagina where you face should be?
• Finally, who in their right mind would run out of gas, in the first place? Then forget to use their emergency blinkers while stranded in the middle of the road. I had a strong inkling he wanted to rob, rape and pillage me.
  

I told him that pushing his car to the gas station was a bad idea; instead I would drive him there and fill up a container. I pushed his car 10 or so feet to the right and told him to turn on his emergency lights. As luck would have it, only one light worked. Since I don't routinely carry a gas container, I assumed the gas station would have one. You know what they say about assumptions; they require a non-retarded bitch to be true. The station attendant didn't have a container, nor did he have one to sell. I mentioned using a giant soda cup would work; the attendant shook his head and said he wouldn't allow it. Apparently my good deed was going to be more pushing than usual.

I drove to the next gas station, which happened to be part of a large retail store and purchased a container. Why did I purchase it? There is a very rationale reason why: The kid didn't have any money because he "left it at his apartment." The container only cost $3.50 or 3 1/2 Taco Supremes. It held one gallon and half, which cost $2.50 or 1 Chicken Quesadilla. After investing half of my potential Taco feast in a stupid kid and his inability to keep gas in his care, I drove him back to the car. The police were waiting, since this road was fairly well traveled, even at midnight, and it wouldn't do to have a car blocking a lane. I explained the situation to the officers, since the kid seemed to clam up at the sight of their uniforms and, for some inexplicable reason, could not speak. After he poured in the gas, I took my container and continued my lard induced journey. The kid did mutter, "God Bless You" or was it "God Damn It" when I pulled away.

The officers stuck around, though. They were still there, as was the kid, when I was coming home, fifteen minutes later.

The moral of the story: I am fat, oh and one should never stop to help a stranded driver. Odds are that they deserve it. I can only hope he was busted for drug possession.


Go to Hell

The more things change

The President won, the young vote failed, and I couldn't be happier. Vote or die, huh? There is some hope left for this country when MTV fails to significantly influence the election. Of course, Evangelical Christians did play a major part, which drives many of you crazy. Right or wrong--religious folk still have a huge role to play in America and are an incredibly formidable force when mobilized. The same can't be said about college educated twenty-some things. Anyway...

The word magnanimous was used several times last night by several different television news sources. The one universal constant was how it was used: Bush should be magnanimous in his apparent victory. Personally, I would have released a statement saying, "Go to hell, and suck my inflamed donkey scrotum. I win." In retrospect, I am glad the President opted to accept his victory in a "magnanimous" manner. Then again, it is job of the bloggers (not me, of course) to act like asswipes--exit polls indeed.

Network Lies?

I was very surprised by the election coverage last night. It was actually fairly good, bloggers aside, and not openly biased, with one major exception. I watched the CBS coverage for a grand total of 5 minutes, during which time Rather made a half dozen offhanded remarks about the Bush campaign, highlighted by a statement that went something like this: The road is filled with carcasses left in the wake of those who disagreed with Karl Rove. That isn't an exact quote, but it is close. Rather meant it as a compliment. Dan, it is time to go.

Surprisingly, the coverage I enjoyed the most was CNN's. They insisted on calling the race entirely different from NBC, MSNBC, and Fox News. Their take at 4am, at least in terms of projected electoral votes, was so dissimilar to that of the other networks that it looked like they were watching an entirely different election. In their defense, they had Bush most likely winning and were extremely conservative in awarding states--to Bush. Regardless, I actually found Blitzer to be a good host (mind you, it was 4am at the time) and watching Larry King offering his insights on the Electoral College was priceless. Larry isn't very smart, is he?

Do Not Pass Go

I wouldn't want to be Democrat, especially not today. Historically speaking, this is one of the most lopsided National elections ever. Republicans significantly strengthened their hold on the House and Senate. Oh, and if you skipped the first few paragraphs and just woke up from a Sunday nap: President Bush won reelection in a convincing manner. He managed a majority of the popular vote, not a plurality-- which was the norm in recent Presidential elections. Would I call this an absolute victory? No, nor would I use the phrase "mandate of the people." It is a mandate of the majority and should be treated as such. Never forget those who elected you, but more importantly, do not completely disenfranchise those who didn't.

Should the Ass stop wagging his tail? No, not completely, but the bucktooth bastard does need an extreme makeover. Religious white folk (The South/Evangelicals) still play a major role in our country, and with the major gains Bush made with the Latinos, you are in danger of losing the fastest growing minority group. Hispanics tend to be similar to Southern Christians; both are culturally conservative and religiously devout.

You can't be a party of domestic issues divorced from moral realities. You dominated American Politics for decades, in terms of the Congress, because you prided yourself as a party of the common people--you let the Republicans (and, thankfully so) make that their mantra.

Democrats will continue to finish second in a two horse race, as long as they pride themselves on being the party of Organized Labor, Teacher Unions, Intellectuals, and Social Liberals.

? Organized Labor is almost universally corrupt, which most people know and with the departure of millions of manufacturing jobs it has a fraction of its power from its height, thirty years ago--it was once able to put the fix in for Presidential elections, i.e. Kennedy in Cleveland 1960, but not anymore.

? Teacher Unions are nearly as a corrupt as their organized labor brethren, and they stand in the way of vouchers because they call for accountability on the part of educators. The problem is millions of folk without education degrees support the idea of vouchers, or at the very least, want their educators to be held accountable.

? Intellectuals are good for debate, bad for politics. The University may be a bastion of liberal ideology but its influence is limited to the two coasts and major metropolitan areas, and even there, it is still all talk, no action.

? Personally, I am all for the Democrat Parties downward spiral into the far left, however; building a political platform on such loony and vitriol values is a no-win proposition in 90% of the country, not counting San Francisco.

I am not going to offer any solutions, because I want the bad guys to wallow in defeat as long as possible--make masochists out of the whole lot of them.

Nonetheless, there is some joy to be found in Mudville. Barack Obama is the future of your party, or at least he should be, and has almost unlimited political potential. He is well spoken, he is extremely charismatic, and black with an asterisk to boot (although he does speak white). I have no doubt he will litter the roads with carcasses of many a Republican opponent to come.

Tom Daschle lost, which is a major boon for the Democrats. He was combative, non-effective and politically out of touch. The Crats (not the Krauts) can do better than him. Now, if you would just axe Pelosi the Penis Slayer, all would be right in your Congressional party leadership.

My Final Thought

I am absolutely, irrefutably, undeniably, mother-hog licking ecstatic about last nights result. I want to leave you with this thought:


Go to hell, and suck my inflamed donkey scrotum. I win.

If Fox News Says So

Two-Term President

Of course, Kerry could always pick up 80% of the provisional ballots in Ohio. I wouldn't hold your breath, though.


Go to Hell

Spare the rod, Spoil the child

I know from experience that children need beaten to keep them in line. I don't support child abuse, at least not as a regular practice. But it does a kid good to have their bottom smacked with a glass filled bag. I like to call it character building, and it is a nice way to relieve stress.


Go to Hell

Something seems different.

The new and improved template is up and running. I am happy with the design--thanks Janelle.

There are some minor issues with firefox but one can still view all blog entries with the browser. If you want to see all the changes, please use IE, Netscape or Opera.


Go to Hell

We won't know who wins tomorrow's election for several days, if not weeks. My position is well known--I am avid supporter of George W. Bush. He is a better man than John Kerry, however; I will admit that John Kerry is a better politician. Many will argue that personal morality means nothing in the political arena; also, this same amoral group will argue the benefits of being ruled by robotic overlords who exist only to anally probe the population with plastic sporks. Whatever floats your boat or results in internal hemorrhaging.

Bush will not now, or ever, engender widespread support in Western Europe. John Kerry will be much more popular with the French, German, English and other socialist states. Will this translate into more support (Great Britain aside) in the War on Terror? No, it won't. The French and Germans have their own agenda in the War on Terror--like us, they will serve their own interests. I would argue, and quite successfully so, that when the United States is self-serving the entire world usually benefits; we will see if the same can be said for France, Germany and the like.

Why does this even matter? It really doesn't, at least not in terms of our security and prosperity. But, foreign relations with Western Europe (and perhaps Russia) is the only clear area John Kerry trumps President Bush. Maybe I shouldn't dismiss it and if the public opinion of European Union Member States means a lot to you--vote for Kerry. Otherwise be good little boys and girls and vote for Bush. Or, simply don't vote at all (also known as a Vote for Nader).

Remember a vote for Kerry-Edwards is a vote for sexual molestation by the mechanical minions of Nit Nac, the Almighty Overlord of Robotic America.


Go to Hell

Dad, it is good to know that you have a sense of humor, albeit at my expense.



Go to Hell

The Halloween party was a blast and I got to show my ass, literally. I did throw up this morning, which is bad, but the vomit only contained blood and bile --no gross chunky bits to clean up. Below are several pictures of me towards the end of the night, pay particular attention to the attractive woman (Anita) using a riding crop on my ass. Dreams do come true. They really, really do.


Next time on Maury: Fat Children and the Goth's who worship them.

Mein Kampf

You like me, you really do.

Crop on Ass Action



Oh, and thank you Chase for sharing with the world the hilarity that is Baby Bob Gone Wild.



Go to Hell

I am going to a Halloween party. My costume is meant as a commentary on the roles of race and gender in the upcoming Presidential election. What costume can do such an important subject justice? Well, the answer is my costume: a giant baby.


Go to Hell

Silver Bullet is an underrated horror classic. Remember when Corey Haim wasn't a burnout, or when Gary Busey was a crazy lunatic--ok, the last one has always been the case. Anyway, this is a fantastic film adaptation of a Stephen King short story.

I am not a big fan of King's, or at least not his written work. I can't stand his prose but I fully admit that he has a rare genius: he creates vivid stories that serve to both scare and delight (writes like shit, though). I know this from watching the various films based on his work, and I have suffered through a couple of his novels, one novella and several short stories.

Definitely check out the movies based on his work, and if you have stomach for it, read his novels, novellas and short stories. Though, make sure to stay away from Misery and Riding the Bullet; both are horrendous reads and the cause of many a mediocre nightmare.


Go to Hell