Bob by the Years


1980- Year of my birth and ascendancy of the great RR.


1981- Moved to the sunshine state.


1984- I left paradise and returned to Ohio. Thanks mom and dad.


1985- Beat up the school bully with several friends. He went to the hospital and the police interviewed me at home. My friends sold me out and blamed me for everything. I blamed them for everything. Thankfully the bully in question was poor and stupid so the authorities let the matter drop.


1986- My first girlfriend and kiss. The former wouldn't occur again for fifteen years, the latter only took twelve years and hours of incessant begging to happen again.


1987- Killed a small Asian woman for looking at me too long. Still regret not stealing her purse.


1989- First memorable erection


1994- First meaningful crush. I think she became a lesbian.


1995- Second through tenth meaningful crushes. RD still holds a special place in my heart even if she tormented me in both English and Spanish. Realized that typing love letters and giving potted flowers as gifts is a bad idea. Actually I didn't realize that for another eight years.


1996- Passed the DMV exam on my second try. Still can't backup into a parking place.


1997- Masturbated 10 times in one day. It is still my proudest moment.


1998- Graduated high school and vowed to lose virginity. Also started college


1999- Realized my vow isn't going to happen for a very long time. Joined SAE and paid a lot of money to hang out with alcoholics, Jews and a farmer from Vermont.


2000- Drop out of school and come to realization that all women are whores. Returned to school six months later. Also known as the Year of the Whore. (Damn you Jenna for blowing Norman. Feminist my ass, whore is more like it.)


2001-Make good on my vow from three years previous and managed to alienate the lucky girl in such a way that she doesn't acknowledge the act or my existence to this very day. She is happily married now. Pulled a sapling out of the ground.


2002- Had sex with another girl many, many times and try to make up for lost time. Graduated from college. Realized that I have a small penis when girlfriend says in a complimentary tone "you feel big tonight." Committed perjury in a trial centering on Treeicide which became known as Granville's Most Notorious Case in the new century.


2003- Worked for six and half weeks (a new personal best) Also had sex once or twice with another girl. She wanted to be European and was too hairy for my tastes. Due to these encounters my hatred for France grew exponentially.


2004- Tipped the scales at 275lbs and realized I am officially the fattest person I know. Sadly am very proud of that fact.



Go to Hell