I am tired, not physically mind you but mentally. Not caring about anything or anyone has taken its toll. Whereas I once thought shutting everything out would be easier then facing reality; now I know it is so much more difficult. I am not bitching, moaning or even ranting about my apathy but instead am lamenting how much has gone by. The world waits for no man and he who stands still most definitely is left behind. I regret not caring and have started to wonder if I ever did. My parents have commented on my selfish behavior for years, as have many friends, and if anyone would know it would be they. Yet now I don't even care about number one. The only meaningful thing in my life is life itself. I exist. No more, no less. I was never a go getter; in fact I usually let everything come to me. Everything from learning to a social life was never an active concern. Luckily I was blessed with an inordinate amount of luck which translated into being surrounded by high quality people who provided a very interesting life. I have little to regret. Perhaps it was only meaningless fun but the stories I have are sure entertaining. I was never mistaken for an heir to Jonas Salk yet in an oh so unique way did I find meaning in life. At this point that is not enough. Truly I wonder if the past is ever enough.

The path I followed inevitably led down a lonely, quiet road. I am not sad about who I am but am disappointed in what I have become. A friend of mine posted his theory on the major religions. Several people in response critically commented on his post. It was an example of relevant debate, or as relevant as a post and subsequent comments can be on a web log. Ultimately I found merit in each argument but felt there was much left unsaid. For a moment I felt the desire to critique, expound upon, and reflect. Sadly those feelings rapidly dissipated. I once loved thinking about religion. Nothing else can inspire such fervor in many while simultaneously drawing the ire of many more. It is the dream topic of conversation for those select few who enjoy arguing for arguments sake. Now it seems so very unimportant.

I am not sure how exactly one goes about conditioning the self to be numb but I am very aware it can be done. There is a solution to my predicament, whether it is simple or grandiose is the question. I tried waking up and saying today is a new begging only to find myself shortly realizing it was just another day. Volunteering, working or even just engaging others in conversation may be enough. Thus far it remains to be seen. I do know that regret is a dual edged sword. One can be cut by what they haven't done as surely as by what they have. Reluctantly I must admit a certain respect for those people who dare to be stupid, traversing haphazardly through life facing both success and failure in equal strides. My hubris is based upon knowing what not to do and daring not to do it.

Who knows maybe I am just crazy or perhaps the strong stench of urine emanating from Hamster's cage has finally gone to my head.