I have an interview tomorrow for a job that is right around the corner from my previous employeer/Satan. The job requires working in a call center and answering medical insurance questions. It is very similar to working at the credit card company but does not involve fleecing money from elderly folk. This time I get to explain what benefits they get before dying rather then pestering/killing them as I did before. Anyway wish me luck.

A 300+ lbs man today commented that I better watch out or soon I will be bigger then him. Boy that sure made me feel great. Repulsive fat man points out I will soon be his lard ass successor. Well, at least I will be recognizable for something beyond my freakishly large head.

Well, I am getting tired, just ate two gigantic platefuls of spagheti, which really takes it out a man. Until next time.


go to hell

I am fat. No, actually I am morbidly obese. No, I am wrong again. Bob is a fucking lard ass. I stepped on the scales yesterday and felt like I was in a Garfield cartoon. The digital scale seemed to moan before revealing that I weigh more then a baby elephant. Living la vida gorda has been fun but it is time for a change. Of course I have already made similar sentiments several times since starting this Blog, but hell who knows maybe I will luck out and develop intestinal cancer. We can hope.

There is so much to talk about, and I have so little inclination to do so. Someone discovered my AOL IM name and felt the need to mock me. Usually, I wouldn't give two shits however this time it was personal. Whoever has been messaging me really knows how to push my buttons. He/She/It/Cocksucker knew my intimate insecurities, mainly my lack of writing talent. Obviously I am a brilliant writer, albeit a little rough around the edges. My editing skills leave much to be desired, yet Bob's style and substance more then make up for grammatical weakness. Nonetheless, I was forced to block this person's messages as they were taking a toll. You may ask, what does this mean to me? Or, more to the point why the fuck do I care? It means my confidence, concerning writing, was severely rocked. In other words instead of posting on my blog, or more importantly fleshing out an idea I had for a novella, Bob decided to be a bitch and sulk. Well screw that shit. Mes, mights, write; like a fcknig fours yar eld but I am still a witty son of a bitch. So, baring further emotional breakdowns my post should once again be fairly frequent. Also, I am toying with the idea of embracing my inner twelve year old girl and adding a creative writing section to the site. God, I am a little bitch. My manly factor has dipped to dangerous levels. Need to go look at some porn, eat pizza and masturbate into a watermelon.

By the way my favorite British Sex Kitten is visiting the States once again, so yes Virginia there really is a Santa Claus. Hopefully she will honor Ohio with her presence. A boy can hope.

Go to hell joe12533

The E channel is the second greatest television experience available, next to of course my precious cartoon network. True Hollywood Story is E's staple show. It is an incredibly vapid, mind numbing and yes entertaining as hell serial. Tonight the show exceeded even its low standards and presented The Real World True Hollywood Story. First and foremost the continual success of The Real World is the third sign of the apocalypse. Of course we are all relatively safe because the next harbinger of doom is nearly impossible. There is no way identical twin alien headed child stars of a formulaic family sitcom would earn several hundred million dollars hocking abysmal direct- to-video releases to pedophiles and/or 10 year old girls. Anyway, as I was saying we are all severally fucked. I am all for low brow television full of T & A (Teats and Arse) but even the retarded pervert living within me has its limits. At least I had shows like ALF, Growing Pains and Doogie Howser MD to shape my young mind. The children of today are feed a steady diet of beautiful retards fucking like rabbits. Where will our children find their role models if not on television? Parents could of course set the standard, but seriously who wants to grow to beat their wife like their daddy or suck off the mailman like mommy does. Cable television needs to raise the bar for our children and children's children.

Anyway I am off to watch Passport to Paris. Now that’s cinema at its finest. Beautiful nubile twins romping through the streets of gay Paris. Tonight will be very enjoyable.


go to hell

I went to bed Friday morning at 8:30am. Woke up at 9:15pm Friday night. Yesterday evening I ate White Castle. Tonight I ate Taco Bell. What does all this mean? Am I a lazy fat bastard? Do I now prefer using simple, short sentences? Or, is their a government conspiracy forcing me to sleep during day, stay up all through the night watching Poltergeist the Legacy and eat heart attacking inducing fast food? Who knows but I do have a serious case of tooten poopens.

While checking my voicemail it appears that my father's auction may now be a no go. The auctioneer we were working with seems to have developed cold feet. This is a bad thing, since the two auctions we had thus far were a modest success. However, if the proverbial shit does hit the fan it might be a real opportunity for me. I need to get a life which first requires moving out of Newark, Ohio. First of all I don't have anything against my place of birth. In fact beyond the fact that it resides in the outer layers of Hell it ain't such a bad place. I am glad to have spent most of my formative years here rather then a thriving urban metropolis. There I would have become cultured, meaning being indoctrinated into a neo bourgeoisie lifestyle. In other words being an uncouth, unsophisticated jack ass is definitely the product of my environment and thank God for it. Anyway, growing up is hard to do but sometime we all have to do it. I have insulated myself from the world, often dismissing it as meaningless and trivial. Yet, in actuality there is so much living to be done and really so little time. It is high time I quit bemoaning my miserable existence, take control of my fate and go do something.

Then again being mature and self reliant sounds like a lot of work, not to mention requiring and untold amount of dedication. I am just going to take a shit instead.


go to hell

Day 2 of being unemployed. Stayed up till 6am last night and woke up at 5pm, oh how I missed those times. I applied to a couple places and hopefully will get a call soon. The only positive from my short stint in the working world was the realization that I do need to work. Spending my day wallowing in Doritos crumbs surrounded by a mountain of Pepsi cans is no way to live. Due to my lack of skills and under abundance of "real" jobs (jobs being defined as a profession that does not cause blood to leak from my ears). Enough talk about me and my pathetic life, today I was hoping to have an engaging dialogue with all of you. First of all let me reiterate how much I have missed all seven of you who read this blog. Most of you I know in real life, but as you well know actual human interaction pails in comparison to reading each others daily logs. The couple of you who don't know me personally will find the following very disheartening. You haven't lived until witnessing a 240 lb man sitting crossed legged for hours at a time. Here is the deal usually I rant and rave with little concern for those who later read it, but today I am trying something different. I want everyone reading this to take a couple minutes and post a comment today on the following subject. What pisses you the fuck off? Some may find this question a little vague, so in order to prevent undue confusion I will further clarify. What really pisses you the fuck off?

It is my sincere hope that this subject will open up an impressive dialogue between us, one that allows for a better understanding of all people. That and I am too lazy to bitch today.


Go to hell

I am back, long time no see. I wonder how everyone has been since I last posted. Hopefully everyone has felt as bad as me. I spent seven weeks working for Satan. The job was humiliating enough, collecting money from people is only slightly more rewarding then performing telemarketing cold calls. The real kicker was when I convinced an elderly woman to pay her credit card bill instead of the mortgage. That occurred several weeks ago, and ever since I have felt absolutely wretched. On the one hand knowing I still have a conscious is a good thing, however as usual it served as a major hindrance in my personal development. How will I ever reach the top of the business world with this incessant feeling of guilt holding me down. Of course I long ago rationalized the morality of child slavery, so all is not lost.

Baring any other major life changes, i.e. another job, going back to school, or least likely of all a girlfriend my posts should once again be fairly frequent. I feel very much alive today, much more so then in weeks past, which means I have a lot to bitch about before sinking back into my usual morose state of mediocrity.


By the way

GO TO HELL

Long time no see. Looks like you missed me, which is understandable due to my sunny disposition. The new job is beneath me, but to be fair most positions would fall into that category. I am still bitter about the 17 year olds making as much as me, and having more growth potential, but life is unfair/fuckingretarded sometimes.

Honestly, work could be significantly worse. On the one hand the company is not taking advantage of my potential, on the other hand they are paying me more then McDonalds (though not much more). Got to look for the silver lining in every cloud even if it is an acid rain causing one. The worst part has been the constant barrage of stupid questions and asinine videos. Treating me like an intellectual toddler does tend to irritate/pissmethefuckoff. Of course my parents have been very helpful. My mom keeps calling me a pussy for complaining, while dad gets angry about giving me money to pay bills. I understand my mom's position, she is a crazy bitch. But, dad getting pissed about spotting me for a couple weeks is nearly unforgivable. In order to take this job, I had to pretty much quit helping him. Since he pushed me to become gainfully employed, I assumed the "me" not working for him was understood. Also, as I told him early last week the Human Resource Department, i.e. spawn of hell, would not have me entered in payroll in time to get a check by the next payment cycle. So, instead of being paid on the 16th (which’s 18 days from my start date) I have to wait until the end of the 31st for my first check. Problem is I have bills to pay before then. Dad didn't seem to care. He keeps demanding I work for him, but the aforementioned job/finaldeathblowtothesoul prevents that from happening. Basically all this means I have no money to pay bills or even go to work. After literally begging for several hours I did manage to score enough cash to pay for gas over the next week, though eating would not be a viable option.

Now, some of you might counter that I should have been prepared (I didn't want the job, was threatened with bodily harm if I didn't take it) or at the very least resort to credit cards to get me by. Well, thankfully several months ago I tore up all my cards, save for one which I let DAD FUCKING USE for his auction. Recently I took that card back, unbeknownst to him, and did use it to buy toilet paper today (I have literally showered after every shit since last week due to my inability to afford toilet paper). Basically, I am not terribly pleased with the parental units at the moment and rightfully so. Also, I learned my brother-in-law/sister told my dad they could get me a good job but think I am way too unreliable. This is probably true, but at my age both of them were far from wise, respectable, and reliable workers themselves, based on their own personal anecdotes. As usual they are trying to keep the white man down so I will have to deal with and stop being a pussy. God I love my mom.


Well I am off to use the credit card to buy a pizza and then take a nice long pooh. God, I love toilet paper even more then my mom.

go to hell

I found this link at my buddy’s blog. Jesus H. Blimpie Jumbotron Christ......I am almost speechless. According to the web counter several other people have sallied on over to this page, god help them. This kid is the reason why I am adopting Asian babies. I will have the option to pick out a couple of beautiful, brilliant children who will one day make me millions.

Of course Lyle Lovett’s and Sandra Bernhard's child will probably end up with a better job and hotter spouse then Bob.

God damn it.


(edited July 3, 2003)

Ok after doing a little more research, which amounted to reading the message board on the above link, I have lost all hope. The aforementioned site is scary enough (and yes i know it is a joke) but the forum postings associated with it are at best criminally incriminating. There are some sick fuckers out there. Good thing the apocolypse is upon us. First sign was the end of Buffy. You are forewarned.

By the way look for a website next week. I have read a How To on HTML And XHTML book. Thus far I have finished 400/600 pages and am fairly confident in my ability to produce a wretched pile of shit.


Go to hell

Day 2 at work was boring. We spent 8 hours going over eight pages of material. I can sum it all up in one sentence. Don't steal, cheat or look at female employees asses otherwise you will be fired. Also, it was revealed my trainer has no college education. She has trouble passing classes on Phoenix Online. I know that college shouldn't matter, actually fuck that. A four year degree from a fairly reputable institution should mean something. Couple the trainer with the significant number of recent high school graduates in my group and it appears that I may be overqualified.

If the job doesn't require any collegiate work, which obviously it doesn’t, then why am I here. Furthermore the company doesn't seem to care about post high school education. So, I am four years behind everyone else working at the company. Hell maybe they do know more than I, but based on reading most of the training manual, there doesn't seem to be a lot to it. You call someone, inform them their account is delinquent, listen to a bullshit excuse, and restate in polite persuasive fashion that they still need to pay on the account. A trained parrot could handle this job with ease. Before anyone states that collections is much more intensive then that, or success requires more then just a firm speaking voice, you are stupid and wrong. Everyone I have met in the department thus far, ranging from floor employees to management, is inarticulate and slow witted. Basically I am surrounded by a sea of morons, who all make significantly more money then I ever will. The real kicker is that my degree and more importantly innate intelligence/superiority mean virtually nothing. As I stated earlier I am at least several years behind everyone working here because they opted out of college and instead decided to get knocked up. (my trainer’s story)

I am not bitter, not at all. Fucking teachers, parents and professors claiming an education was important. I was so much happier not being employed and largely ignorant to my lot in the working world. Two days in equates to forty-eight hours of misery. Forget what I said about being apathetic, because not applying oneself is so much more fulfilling.

Shoot me, or at least recommend a better job. Seriously I will work for minimum wage if the occupation requires a degree. It may be worthless but fuck being four years behind everyone else because they were too stupid, stoned, or impregnated to pursue an education.

By the way the above post doesn't apply to my friends. Problem is you are probably not my friend. (Josh, Travis, Chris, associated girlfriends/boyfriends are excluded from today's discussion)

go to hell

Ok, maybe I exaggerated a wee bit about my relative position in life. Though, it really doesn't matter. Juxtaposing ones self worth against the accomplishment of others is fool hardy. I need to judge life against my own expectations. I am not a total failure. But, I am not a resounding success either. The more I think about it my greatest fear is failing. Whether it concerns work, friends, family, leisure or love I am so afraid of rejection that any opportunity for success or happiness is precluded. In other words I have chosen to do nothing at all with my life rather then chance any sort of failure. Obviously, as usual, my logic is skewed. Greatness affords itself to only those willing to face utter despair. Enough with this nonsensical doublespeak, I am starting to make myself think.

I am very fortunate to have people who do care about me. Whether or not it is deserved I can't say but I do greatly appreciate it.

Oh by the way I did start the new job. I am not going to comment about it, because I want to maintain a positive attitude. Though, today amongst the other trainees was the first time I ever actually felt old. Half the damn room just graduated high school. Now I know college is a stupid idea. Could have become a collections agent straight out of diapers it seems.

oh well it could be worse. At least I am not cursed with lycanthrope and subsequently forced to live a life in sin practicing the furry fetish.


go to hell