Wednesday, June 30, 2004

God help me.

I am so fat, actually I am something more then fat, I am a gigantic lard-ass. If ever there was a Levithan I am he.

Well, at least my balls are still huge.

Go to Hell

Tuesday, June 29, 2004

I rarely offer sincere apologies because I am an inconsiderate asshole. Just ask Greg. But, the events surrounding my birthday demand it.

Let the healing begin.

First and foremost I am sorry to the gentlemen who accompanied me to the bars. While, discussing the desirability of fucking a girls head is acceptable in polite company, one should not take it to the next level and speak of ramming a pretty man's head as well. Homosexual innuendo should be limited to locker rooms, truck stops and soccer fields. I am sorry guys.

I would like to offer my condolences to the young lady whom I struck a conversation with at the bar. I really did appreciate you buying me a drink for my birthday, especially since my friends were too poor to do so themselves but in my attempt to express thanks I was a bit overzealous. Gently stroking your back and leaning in uncomfortably close is not acceptable, especially when the leaner and stroke in question is piss ass drunk and smells of Doritos. Please accept my apology and do not let my uncouth behavior push you into a life of lesbianism and water sports.

Finally, I feel it is necessary to request for forgiveness from the young waitress who served me at Steak & Shake. Please excuse my boorish behavior, it was wrong of me to rant and rave at you for well over ten minutes concerning my miserable college experience and inability to succeed in life. I know that you will be successful in your collegiate career and that my own academic short comings at an esteemed, and extremely expensive, university in no way reflect your own future. I really am sorry.

Then again I did tip the bitch twenty dollars on a twenty dollar check so she shouldn't be too scarred.

Go to Hell

Monday, June 28, 2004

It is my birthday and no, I did not hire a whore to service me. While, initially the thought was very appealing, I concluded that intimate relations with a street walker would most likely lead to a venerial disease and eventually the amputation of my penis. Therefore, I now intend to hit on pleasantly plump, loose moraled bar flies, i.e. fat sluts, at a local drinking establishment. Odds are if I am succesful with a local pug nosed oinker I will be a babies daddy in short order. Wish me luck.

Go to Hell

Thursday, June 24, 2004

Several weeks ago I signed up for an "adult" dating site. I could claim that it was just for kicks or out of morbid curiosity, but the truth is, they gave a twenty minute porn clip away to all new members. Apparently my profile has been very popular, garnering dozens of personal messages. Since my profile contained the bare minimum of information, and thankfully no pictures, I wondered why it was so popular.It seems I put SWF underneath the interests category and listed oral as my favorite sexual activity. The funny thing is the profile did list my height and weight, which was fairly accurate.

Moral of the story: Chicks dig fat lesbians who are proficient at cunnilingus.

Go to Hell

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

There will be no new trailer for Bob. Dad and I went to the zoning board of appeals, which is usually just a formality, to present our request for a variance. You see Newark doesn't like trailers within the city limits, unless located in a designated trailer park. However, since we had an existing trailer on the property, it is customary to allow the owner to place a new one on the lot. We were told from the very beginning that there would be no problem with our proposal. Obviously the zoning department failed to take into consideration the crazy fucks that live in this neighborhood. Two neighbors, out several dozen, showed up and voiced complaints. Basically what they said was "We don't like the eyesore that is there now so we don't want you to put a new one on there unless it meets our standards." The board president tried to explain that by putting a new trailer on the lot, the old one, which offended there delicate sensibilities, would be removed. Sadly, the old couple and the aging hippie didn't grasp that concept. They thought by denying us a permit that we would magically removed the old trailer just because. I tried to be diplomatic but it was to no avail. We needed everyone on the panel to approve it, so a majority or even a super majority as we had, would not suffice. One member felt that even one complaint was reason enough to deny the permit. Dad stormed out but did manage to level a few choice words at our "neighbors".

I have several problems with the situation above. First and foremost how is anything ever accomplished in this city, at least in terms of zoning issues, if you have to accommodate every fucking lunatic in the area. The above example perfectly illustrates this point and furthermore exemplifies the utter stupidity of my neighborhood. To make matters worse the hippie, who commonly, as in bi-monthly, builds projects in his yard without proper zoning documentation. In other words he is a big fat stupid hypocrite. On the other hand the old couple who complained live a street and half over, they can't even see the trailer from there property. The whole process beams with idiocy, which really I should expect by now living in this area. Finally, I still can't understand why they wouldn't want a new twenty to thirty thousand dollar manufactured home in their "neighborhood." Most of the homes in this area are not worth twenty thousand dollars. Therefore property values would not have been adversely affected. And, logically even if they were, a new trailer would increase the surrounding value since it would have replaced a forty-five year old one.

Usually, I only half heartedly wish damnation on others but in this case I sincerely hope spend eternity in the fiery pit, or at the very least spend their remaining days on Earth in constant, agonizing pain that slowly drives them insane.

Go to Hell
You ever wonder what it feels like to suckle on an orangutan teat?

I bet it feels nice. At least for her.

Go to Hell

Monday, June 21, 2004

Two weeks ago I had a job. I quit after one week. Today, I started classes at the local college branch in hopes of becoming a high school history teacher. I decided to withdraw tomorrow. I am thinking about adopting a puppy from the local shelter. I will probably end up smothering it with a pillow.

Somewhere an Indian is crying, will someone please buy him a drink.

Go to Hell

Thursday, June 17, 2004

Park Place Theatre

Impossibly Old Woman: May I use the restroom?

Mom: Yes.

Ten Minutes Later

Old Woman Departs

Mom: Bob go check out the bathroom.

Me: Why?

Mom: The Old Woman shit herself.

Me: How can you tell?

Mom: There is shit all over her pants.

Me: Great.

I entered the restroom with much trepidation. The toilet seat was down. I picked up and was happy to discover smeared feces all over the seat. As luck would have it I needed to use the restroom shortly thereafter.
El Fin

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

Sam the Hamster and his Gigantic Journey

Sam is one of the blessed few. A creature that spends his life in eternal bliss, soaking up all that life has to offer. He is a hamster. His master, the one who showers him with boundless happiness, is known as Bob, Lord of the trailer. Bob loves his charges and would do anything to insure their perpetual job. He is the most masterful of masters. However, Sam sometimes loses perspective, he wishes to venture beyond his plastic walls and see all that the trailer has to offer. Lord Bob expressly forbade such a rash action because he knows all too well the perils that lay beyond the curving tubes and plastic lids. There are monsters in those dusty halls, ones that would swallow an unaware hamster’s very soul. Using the latest in anti-hamster-escape technology, Lord Bob prevents such a tragedy from happening.

Yet, even a god must rest on occasion and last night the impossible became all too real. Sam managed to escape paradise and found his hairy self in hell. Scared beyond measure, terrified to the marrows of his bones, Sam sought salvation and searched for his slumbering lord. Hamsters are not meant to view the godly realms for they tell of secrets most deadly and profane. Yet, Sam dared venture where none had before and sought entrance to those most hallowed of halls. Alas the way would not be made clear. Sam scurried and scratched throughout the dark night but it was to no avail. Apparently Lord Bob is borderline schizophrenic who thinks aliens are coming for him virtually every night, therefore he blocks any and all noise in fear of Martian probes. When the morning light exploded upon the room Sam felt a twang of hope for his god had awoken. Sadly Sam did not account for his deity's small bladder and was nearly squashed by his lumbering lord.

Lord God Bob thought something was amiss but did not dream his hamsters would betray the sacred trust. He went about his daily business, entered the realm of the divine and listed items on Ebay. When He Who Fills the Water Bottle returned the source of his earlier bad omens became apparent. Sam had descended from the perfect and sullied himself in the grime. Bob searched high and low for his beloved child but all appeared lost. The trailer was filled with empty soda boxes, clothes and countless other places for a wayward hamster to hide. In desperation he called out to he who shared his pure blood. The divine duo thoroughly investigated every hiding place and eventually Lord Issy discovered Sam hiding behind a cyclopean structure, the place where Ambrosia did reside. Using his titanic strength God Bob managed the unachievable and moved the structure. Divine sweat did form upon his massive brow but his task was not yet complete. With the uttermost cared Bob picked up Sam, carried him over to his cage and gently put him within. Sam was overjoyed for his tumultuous journey was at an end. And what of the God Most High Bob? He smiled for all was right once more.

Go to Hell
My cable and high speed internet access was turned off today. My daddy "forgot" to pay the last couple bills. I know what you are thinking "What the fuck is wrong with you? Your dad pays your cable bill?" I find it better not to think about it. Plus when you shut the part of the brain off that houses pride and self respect, you can't believe how much easier life becomes. Thankfully I managed to rectify the problem without missing my daily allotment of Miguzi.

Am I pathetic?


Am I a virgin?

No. I know that really isn't relevant but I wanted to salvage some dignity and not come off as a total twat.

Go to Hell

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

Now, I remember what I was going to announce.

Sadly, it was very stupid.

Go to Hell

Monday, June 14, 2004

I have an announcement

Sadly I forgot what it was.

Go to Hell

Saturday, June 12, 2004

I hung out with the little brother today. We actually had a great conversation, which is saying a lot when dealing with an eight year old. The subject matter was a little heady but he managed to make some great points. What was the discussion about? Who could kick whose ass. Primarily we focused on which superhero, mythical character or religious icon would win in a fight but my ass kicking ability, or lack thereof, was also talked about.

Eventually we concluded that God could kick everyone’s ass, including his own. That isn't much of a surprise since the Almighty has absolute and complete power over existence. However; the real debate concerned who is the second most powerful entity in the universe. After much thought, careful consideration and copious amounts of Mt. Dew we chose Batman. I know it appears to be a controversial choice but is it really? Batman has no superpowers but somehow manages to routinely defeat super villains, gangsters, immortal eco-terrorists and has even managed to kick Superman's ass on a few occasions. He is the quintessential bad ass and more importantly, the original man in black. Honestly, if given enough time and the creative license of a comic book writer, Bats could give God a run for his money.

Bruce Wayne v. John Wayne
No contest. He might be the duke but he ain't got nuttin on the black knight, one well placed batarang and it is over.

Batman v. Joker v. Aliens v. Predator
Actually an absolutely fantastic short film addresses this match up.

Batman v. Godzilla
This would be a tremendous battle but even the king of all monsters can't stop the bat chop.

Batman v. all mankind
Brilliant scientist, check. Nearly endless pool of funds, check. Access to rare and deadly chemicals, viruses and weapons, check. End of all human life, check.

Batman v. Demeris (my personal middle school bully)
Batman would whoop his ass.

Go to Hell

Thursday, June 10, 2004

The new job isn't too bad but I still want to quit. I had a very thoughtful and engaging post pertaining to this exact subject but decided, at least in this case, that is less more. So, here is the truth behind my desire not to work. I am a lazy fuck who refuses to grow up. End of story. But, I still manage to love myself, quite frequently actually, so don't feel too bad for Big Bobber.

An extremely large, as in top three banks in the world, seems to have lost there mind and approved a $30,000 loan in my name, alone, for additional education expenses. Problem is I have to demonstrate enrollment in college and provide proof of employment. I am seriously considering forging one of those documents, returing the promissory notes and fleeing to Mexico shortly after the loan is disbursed. Bob would live like a king in the sewer water capital. And my parents thought I lacked ambition.

This is good to know, especially if you like your ladies young, stupid and non-whorified.

Go To Hell

Monday, June 07, 2004

Ronald Reagan died the weekend and I can't help but feel a sharp pang of sadness at his passing. He is arguably one of the greatest Presidents in the Twentieth Century, if not the greatest. The great communicator will be sorely missed.

I remember a discussion, during my junior year in AP History class, concerning the most influential American Presidents. After the usual examples of Washington and Lincoln were placed on the blackboard, I chimed in with my pick, President Ronald Reagan. The teacher didn't agree with my assertion, as he felt Reagan was an important figure but not one deserving such high praise. His accomplishments, while valuable, were not of the caliber of FDR, Washington, or even JFK. My response was simple and direct. He spearheaded the end of Communism and brought down its most visible construct, the Berlin Wall. No amount of praise and accolades could ever do those deeds justice. I dared him to deny his Herculean achievements. Of course he was the teacher; I was not, so my words fell on deaf ears. Yet, our exchange remains fresh in my memory, like it happened yesterday, because it was about such an incredible leader and even more extraordinary man. I learned two valuable lessons that day; a teacher can be wrong and true greatness can never be denied

The world would do well to remember Ronald's great success and perhaps take a page from his book.

We face an evil in Terrorism that threatens to end existence as we know it. Hatred and fear loom over the United State like a sickly shadow but President Reagan faced an even greater evil, in the Soviet Union and communism, one which threatened to end all existence, period. This threat had a seemingly endless supply of nuclear weapons and military might, it was literally within their grasp to annihilate all life, yet we managed to persevere. Why? Because of our indomitable spirit and the leader who perfectly embodied it,President Ronald Wilson Reagan, a man who brought down an evil empire and ushered in well over a decade of peace and prosperity.

Thank you Mr. Reagan.

Saturday, June 05, 2004

The link from yesterday has died, it seems quite a few other people were engrossed by it as well.

If you missed here is a brief synopsis: A group of retarded British high school students played out a scene where they demonstrated the danger of drugs and alcohol. There dialogue went something like this "Euhhhhhhhh, where is the tea ole chap, duhhhhhhhhh......ehuuuuuuuuu" and they proceeded to beat their chests like a silverback.

Two days and counting until my descent into utter middle class oblivion. Good for me.

Too bad Adult Swim didn't see fit to hire me, they were looking for a marketing manager and who better to manage cartoon markets then Bob?

For your enjoyment I posted my specially Adult Swim tailored resume below.

Go to Hell

Phone # xxxxx


Seeking a position that requires an affinity for cartoons, the necessity to ogle bosomed laden anime characters and takes advantages of my prodigious marketing skills. Ok, I am lying about the last part, I know next to nothing about marketing but an ex-girlfriend once remarked “I would make a great a used car salesman” so that sort of qualifies me. She also did this trick with her tongue, a banana, and Q-Tip but that is neither here nor there.

May 2002
Denison University Granville, Ohio
Bachelor of Arts Religion with Distinction (Cause I am brilliant)

Major's curriculum required skipping massive amounts of class, killing off several relatives in order to graduate, including three maternal grandmothers. I told them we were Mormon, they didn’t ask any questions.


Sigma Alpha Epsilon (Drank copious amounts of alcohol and streaked through campus wearing only a sock located in a strategic spot.)
Peer Tutor at Lincoln Middle School (I had to do it in order to pass an Honors Class, but it still counts, right?)
Walk for Diabetes (I am morbidly obese, it behooved me to take a preemptive strike, oh and my hot HR asked me to do it)
Honors Program Denison University (Lasted for two years but after the death of my second grandmother and a nasty bout with a dumpster I was asked to leave)
Co-Capitan Licking County Relay for Life (The one good deed in my life except I really wasn’t the Co-Capitan but I was there.)

Park Place Antiques Newark, Ohio
June 96-
May 2004
I worked for dad the last eight years in lieu of getting a real job.

Job functions included; lunch, answering a couple emails, second lunch, restroom break, listing a half dozen items on Ebay, mid afternoon snack and workday ending argument with parental unit.

Skills Personal Computers

IBM Compatible (MS Word, Outlook Express, PowerPoint).
I used PowerPoint for a project in Computer Science 101 while attending a Liberal Arts institution that housed servers with 166 MHZ of processing power, I must be an expert.

Familiarity with HTML code- Made a remedial website dedicated to my psychosis; it is really therapeutic, if a little off-putting. Feel free to visit, but if you are a woman, minority, from a Slavic state or Irish please don’t be offended. I am from the Midwest so we don’t have much contact with your kind

Customer Service
Established a stellar customer feedback rating on Ebay with over 4,500 positive responses and anyone who wasn’t satisfied I ignored with extreme prejudice.

Post throes of passion an ex-flame stated my affinity for constructing the truth in a colorful way. That pretty much sums up the marketing profession, doesn’t it? By the way that is a rhetorical question but if you want to reply feel free to do so, but don’t surprised if the answer shatters all your conceptions of time, space and Brittany Spears.

Availability June 2004.

Friday, June 04, 2004

This is fucking ridiculous. I am.......dumbfounded, stupefied even. I guess the message is don't do drugs or you will have retarded British children.

go to hell

Thursday, June 03, 2004

The internet has ruined humanity. Look at myself for example, in person I am a sweet, loving, adorable and generous human being but the anonymity of the internet causes me to morph into a gigantic ass. Then again, in my case, it is simply allowing the true Bob to emerge, like a beautiful butterfly fluttering out from the cocoon; I am freed from societal restraints and am able to embrace my true inner-hate. But, I am the exception to the rule. Everyone else who uses the information superhighway is an asshole simply because no one is able to beat their ass for being one.

The ass beating theorem has prevented legions of morons from acting on their pathetic and asinine desires. You don't usually find random people walking up to your person and call you a "stupid fucking faggot." Why? Because you, your brother, father, mother, significant other, or the police will beat that offender’s ass.

Even less abrasive confrontations are covered under the a.b. theorem. Take an annoying customer, the stereotypical know-it-all, who claims to know the origin of a particular item and proceeds to tell you either price according to what I said, or I am going to stand out front and tell everyone you are a crook. Guess what happens next? The store owner pulls out a magnum revolver, walks up to the sanctimonious piss ant and pistol whips the living shit out of him. I am not a constitutional expert but it is fairly clear that is justifiable assault and, more importantly, covered under the a.b. theorem.

Sadly, this is not applicable to the internet, allowing otherwise inexplicable acts of idiocy to occur. The previous examples are based on true experiences. Anytime I enter a chat room or play an online game I am assaulted with dozens of expletives, usually involving my mother and a midget named Andy. Even worse than the verbal assaults, by the tween contingent, are the sanctimonious bitches who spend all their on Ebay, telling sellers what they are doing wrong and often resorting to veiled threats and extortions tactics if the seller refuses to heed their advice. These people need be introduced to a concept known as assisted suicide with me being the one who is "assisting."

Go to Hell

Wednesday, June 02, 2004

Yesterday's post came off, well frankly, as a little psychotic. Usually, I am all for depraved ranting and ravings but, even I, recognize there is point where it becomes excessive. What I am trying to say is that lunancy is fine: An example of this would be breaking into an ex-girlfriend's email. Conversely, psychopathic behavior is not acceptable; say for instance I set my lady love aflame, that would be problematic, not to mention smelly.

It is true that Bob is blessed with a mulitude of issues, but he is not a homocidal maniac. I catorogize myself as more of a crazy fucking lunatic with a good heart.

Go to Hell

Tuesday, June 01, 2004

I am extremely displeased at the moment. Apparently, I, just like Courtney Love, never learn. And, unlike that crazy whore, I can't blame my poor decision making process on chemical dependency. No, I am just really fucking stupid. Whereas there are thousands of support groups for weak-willed people, whom make wrong headed choices, I haven't found one yet for those, i.e. me, who choose with the wrong head. One can argue that I am not unique in this manner, as many men live by the skin of their scrotum, but unlike most others, I am complete and utter bitch. Chalk it up to a domineering mother, lack of meaningful inter-gender interaction during my formative years or too much Mountain Dew, regardless the result is the same; I am a slave to the putang, minus the putang part.

Problem is I would rather cuddle with the objects of my affections then ravage their nubile bodies. Why? I am a stupid bitch. Somewhere along the line sex and love became synonymous in my book, which is totally acceptable if I am a fourteen year old girl living in the Bible belt. Sadly this not the case therefore it is necessary for me, Bob, to divorce the two concepts. Thus far I haven't really come up with a workable solution, hence the origin of today's post. However; I do have a rudimentary understanding of what differentiates love from sex. Sex is the appropriate term when dealing with dirty whores, while love is applicable for the woman you marry. Problem is, at least in the United States, I can only marry one woman. Based upon my theory, there is one virtuous Mrs. Bob out there, with the other one-hundred fifty million ladies being evil sluts sent here by Shaitan to humiliate torture and emotionally rape me.

Since, I am a stupid bitch, with a carrier load of issues, there is little I can do. Chemical castration is always an option. And, as an added bonus, the little girls down the street would be able to play outside. Of course I could always forego women altogether and devote my life to spiritual enlightenment. Buddha Bob does have a nice ring to it. Then again I might just stick to my earlier birthday resolution and hire a whore. Don’t worry I still plan on berating the bitch but would work in a couple minutes for her to suckonmyboner.

After reading this can any of you believe I am single?

Go to Hell