I rarely offer sincere apologies because I am an inconsiderate asshole. Just ask Greg. But, the events surrounding my birthday demand it.
Let the healing begin.
First and foremost I am sorry to the gentlemen who accompanied me to the bars. While, discussing the desirability of fucking a girls head is acceptable in polite company, one should not take it to the next level and speak of ramming a pretty man's head as well. Homosexual innuendo should be limited to locker rooms, truck stops and soccer fields. I am sorry guys.
I would like to offer my condolences to the young lady whom I struck a conversation with at the bar. I really did appreciate you buying me a drink for my birthday, especially since my friends were too poor to do so themselves but in my attempt to express thanks I was a bit overzealous. Gently stroking your back and leaning in uncomfortably close is not acceptable, especially when the leaner and stroke in question is piss ass drunk and smells of Doritos. Please accept my apology and do not let my uncouth behavior push you into a life of lesbianism and water sports.
Finally, I feel it is necessary to request for forgiveness from the young waitress who served me at Steak & Shake. Please excuse my boorish behavior, it was wrong of me to rant and rave at you for well over ten minutes concerning my miserable college experience and inability to succeed in life. I know that you will be successful in your collegiate career and that my own academic short comings at an esteemed, and extremely expensive, university in no way reflect your own future. I really am sorry.
Then again I did tip the bitch twenty dollars on a twenty dollar check so she shouldn't be too scarred.
Go to Hell