Wednesday, May 24, 2006

She deflowered me (I suppose the same applies to her about me)

I ran into my ex-girlfriend's (#1 out of 2) father yesterday. We exchanged pleasantries for several minutes; he then mentioned how his daughter had moved and was having difficulty finding a teaching position. He failed to mention why she had moved: the ex had gotten married a couple years ago. I am not sure if he failed to bring up her husband or marriage to spare my feelings or to simply prevent suffering through what would have been a very awkward silence. Of course, I have always wondered if she wore white at the wedding. I am thinking she did; I am also thinking she is liar and a whore in the eyes of God. Maybe I should have brought that up in our conversation.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Retarded Man-Child or Man-Who-Talks-With-Ass

Jim Carrey might be a better actor (a big MIGHT), but Adam Sandler's work has now been referenced by a federal judge. Odoyle rules!


Saturday, March 04, 2006

Should Have Bites and Retarded Football

Robert Horry, the single greatest clutch shooter without the initials MJ, decided to take a little nip out of his competition. The replay shows he didn't actually bite down; in fact, it appears he didn't even really gum his opponent. Apparently it is hard to target another large, sweaty man in the midst of a two team tangle up. Mr. Clutchtastic has been suspended for a couple games, which is largely unwarranted, even if he had successfully bitten Stackhouse, it looked like the bite was to extricate Horry from the tangle up, not to cause injury or share rabies. Big Rob just wanted to go home and celebrate another Spurs victory by banging an Eastern European porn star. Can't we all relate?

Vince Young has taken a lot of heat for being stupid; his agent claims the allegations are untrue and unfair. Recently, Vince has said something similar. First and foremost, I am certain Young didn't score 6 out of 50 on the Wonderlic test; based on the carefully worded releases from both the NFL and his agent, Major Adams, I am fairly certain Young scored between a 7 and a 9 on the test. However, this score range still indicates illiterate status. His second score was 16, which indicates just north of stupid, which is not an uncommon characteristic amongst professional athletes--see Dan Marino. The real problem is that the types of questions on the Wonderlic, and some have hinted the ACTUAL questions from the test, are readily available to all agents and players. So even a stupid person should do reasonably well on the Wonderlic, it is virtually an open book test, unless, of course, they suffer from one of the following conditions: a learning disability that has gone undiagnosed for seventeen year; illiteracy, again that has gone unnoticed for seventeen years; fucking retard syndrome.

It wouldn't surprise me if Young had skated through his scholastic career based solely on his athletic prowess; this sort of thing happens everyday. It is entirely plausible that he suffers from a learning handicap or is even illiterate. On the other hand, running an college offense, simple or not, requires one to be able to distinguish symbols and words; Young either faked it really well or his coaches brought in extra "help" to translate the complex squares, circles and slots to Young. I don't believe this to be the case. It just doesn't seem reasonable that a NCAA College Football National Championship team was centered on a guy just winging it or one who required an immense amount of time to digest the plays and only with the aid of other people. Furthermore, if this did occur, Young and his agent would know this going in and would have ample time to properly prepare for the test or asked that its format be sufficiently changed to respond to his disability, i.e. replace letters and numbers with pictures of dollar signs.

What really happened is that Vince Young is fucking retarded. He is either too stupid to pass the test, even after knowing all the answers going in, or he is too God damn arrogant to even try. I would rather he be stupid, because stupid can be loveable, endurable and even successful, on the other hand, conceit and arrogance in an untested pro is a recipe for a broken leg and motorcycle accident. Can a stupid person succeed at Quarterback? Yes, Dan Marino is not a smart man, however he was an incredible athlete and he a natural savvy when it came to the game, then again, he never did win a Super Bowl, so maybe stupid does have some limitations. Can a conceited, arrogant and largely unproven Quarterback succeed in the NFL? Probably not, but it does help if your last name is Manning.


Andy, Say It Ain't So...Say It Ain't So, YOU STUPID FAT FUCK

Andy Milonakis is going on thirty? If this is true--and if Wikipedia and IMDB say so, you know it has to be possibly-almost-maybe-who-knows true--then I am done. I am actually invested in Andy being an offensively stupid teenager; the world will be somehow less vibrant if it turns out he is a man-child pimping his cursed existence for fifteen minutes of fame.

However, the biggest problem might be me: I did just spend a half hour researching his condition, going over message board posts and reminiscing about how gay the Super Bowl truly is. I can accept Santa being a fag, the Easter Bunny being a polygamist and The Toot Fairy being my molester, but I cannot live in a world where Andy isn't a cherubic teenage moron. I just can't.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Human Garbage Disposal 1, Humanity 0

Shoot this mother fucker in the head, burn his corpse and spread his ashes over a trash dump.


Sunday, February 26, 2006

Not Enough Caffeine and Too Much J.R.R.

You ever wake up and just want to hit somebody in the face? Me too, though the real question is: have you ever woken up and wanted to eviscerate a smarmy elf? Really? I am the only one?


Wednesday, February 22, 2006

If Vaginas Could Talk

During my daily anthropological study of the human condition--watching The Maury Povich Show--I witnessed a very disturbing commercial. It was one of the most horrific scenes that I have ever witnessed. My mind, disturbed as it is, could not grasp the nightmarish landscape presented in the thirty second spot. Vaginal Menopausal Atrophy Study flashed across the screen, below it flowed a steady stream of middle aged women participating in various innocuous activities: one was gardening; another was sitting down; a group of them appeared to be praying to Satan. Ok, the first two are made up, but you know what I am talking about.

The blessed minded Bob did not know a vagina could atrophy, and if the vagina could wither like a winter blooming daisy, would not the same hold true for the penis. Will my penis begin to atrophy...holy shit...I don't got that much to begin with, it wouldn't take long for my little daisy to completely disappear. Think of it, my lil' buddy would shrink to nothingness, perhaps even caving unto itself, thus creating a vagina for a middle aged me. I am not sure I could stand losing my mini-Cyclops, he almost feels like he is a part of me.


Attack of The Conservative Dead

I am deeply enamored with Ann Coulter. She is witty, brilliant and a total bitch; three must-have qualities in a woman. However, this is not a flattering picture of Ann at her recent speaking engagement at Denison. I honestly don't believe this is the best photo avaliable to The Newark Advocate, one might even argue they purposely used an unflattering image--then again, I am talking about the worst regional newspaper in North America, which begs to reason that poor writing would be supported by equally shitty photography.



You may have noticed my post concerning marriage contracts is missing, if anyone has the full text please send it to me so I can repost; apparently Blogger had a system error and deleted it..that or the man has finally gotten around to censoring me.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Even the whores object

Absolute awesome personified.


Lupercalia and the bloody goats

Happy Valentine's Day. I am alone, embittered and bemoaning my lonely, bitter existence. In other words, it is like any other days but with chocolate. I hope everyone has a special someone to hold tight tonight, it is good to have someone to love, be it on this day or any other. Just remember: statistics suggest that you or your loved one has cheated, is cheating or will cheat. Are you the cuckold or the miserable son of a bitch? I can only hope both.