Friday, November 25, 2005

You should give thanks for reading this entry

The turkey has been cooked, digested and defecated by this point, though not necessarily in that order. Thanksgiving is supposed to be about giving thanks for what we have; in reality it is a day dedicated to overeating and sitting on ones ass--you would think this would qualify as a my favorite holiday, but the truth is that every day is Thanksgiving for Bob.

My XBox 360 business endeavor looks to be a winner. I will hopefully make between $700.00 and $1000.00 profit, which is more than I ever made at work.* To think I was able to make hundreds of dollars simply by sitting on my ass for several hours, then later gouging the impatient consumer on EBay. Capitalism sure is grand.

Go To Hell

*My tax return from last year listed my income as $300.00. I am poor white trash with an emphasis on white--if only my racial superiority was enough to pay the bills...Ok, I am kidding, there are millions of white people who make a living simply from being born into a specific ethnicity, they are called Jews.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

A person with an antisocial personality disorder, manifested in aggressive, perverted, criminal, or amoral behavior without empathy or remorse.

Dear MTV,

You have done it again. The recent season of The Real World, while not necessarily the best, continues to demonstrate your dedication to high quality television--Fights, sex, more fights, crying, bitching, lying, incarceration and hit-a-bitch-just-miss to top it all off.

Between you and me, where do you find all of these psychopaths?

Go To Hell

Artificial Shortages Are Fun.

Don't miss out on the XBox 360. It will only be available for the next week; afterwards the system will never be sold again. The schematics are scheduled to be locked in a time capsule which is being launched into space. So, again, buy it now or not at all.

By the way, I understand the desire to go to a store twelve hours before a product is actually going on sale; however, I draw the line at waiting for twelve hours in 30 degree weather with a high chance for flurries and sleet. Maybe it is just me, but paying a couple extra hundred dollars is far preferable to FUCKING DYING FROM PNEMONIA. What the hell is wrong with people? Of course I waited for six hours at Wal-Mart; then again, I waited inside a temperature controlled store, was seated in a chair and spent the time playing card games with a couple friends. I might be a loser, yet let it never be said that I am a total fuck-wit.

Go To Hell

Saturday, November 19, 2005

But I am a man.

I have a canker sore; it is located on the underside of my tongue. Bob has never before been blessed with a mouth ulcer, though I do find it preferable to the herpes simplex virus. Medical science is unable to adequately explain the "why me and not you, bitch" of canker sores. However it is accepted science that women are more likely to experience acid-eating-me-from-the-inside-out pleasure, especially during their menstrual cycles.

Recently, as in yesterday during a poker game, I commented that my ass is much like a vagina: both are hairy, dark, moist and inviting to large black males; furthermore, I recently noticed splashes of red in my stool--originally thought to be the late stages of stomach cancer--that could very well be the tell-tale signs of shedding my endometrial lining. Therefore it is my half-baked conclusion that the sore-oh-canker, presently dissolving the lower portion of my tongue, is succinctly explained in the following text:
And if a woman have an issue, and her issue in her flesh be blood, she shall be
put apart seven days: and whosoever toucheth her shall be unclean until the even
(Leviticus 15:19)

Go To Hell

Jesus Sort Of Likes Halo 2

This is the only place for video game reviews. Take a look at the highest rated game of all time--it is a must buy. Just remember: God is good and Buddhism isn't so peachy keen (see the conclusion of the review.)

Go To Hell

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Three Events United Only By My Fat Ass

I just finished eating an entire 16" pepperoni and mushroom pizza; shortly thereafter I topped it off my midnight hour meal with a quart of egg nog. The stomach has begun it's final countdown sequence, total and utter destruction is imminent. Of course, I can at least find consolation in the knowledge that my valve will never truly be closed again, instead it will be irrevocably blown out by the building methane pressure.

Yesterday, I received an email solicitation from an online brokerage house. The message was sent to my gmail account, which is generally pretty good about filtering out spam and greetings of a definite solicitous nature. However, I am glad the message made it through, not because I am interested in a loan--or even remotely qualified to receive one, what really caught me eye was to whom the message was sent: my ex-girlfriend.

My gmail account is a little over a year old, I last dated a girl nearly three years ago; this begs the question, why in the fuck would I receive a message addressed to my ex. She doesn't know about the email address, it isn't publicly listed as far as I can tell; furthermore, she isn't one to sign up for spam and send it my way--that is actually something I am more apt to (actively) do. The only reasonable deduction is that I signed up for a service from the brokerage using my ex-girlfriend's name. I don't recall doing this, though it isn't totally out the question. I still think of her and find myself fondly remembering our relationship, especially the parts involving nudity and spanking. Perhaps I just wanted a message from her, so I decided to have messages sent for her, which is sort of the same thing...I guess. What I am really trying to say is that I am potentially a really pathetic fuck, thank God for selective memory.

Another important event of note: I attempted to paint the interior of my father's soon-to-be-finished house. I was on my feet for approximately five hours, this time was spent painting the corners in several rooms and sticking my head--in particular my hair--in still fresh paint at every turn. Dad felt it necessary to reapply every single stroke, usually such behavior results in a terse exchange prompted on my part involving colorful language, oaths of vengeance and promises to move far way. Today I just let it slide, my feet fat feet hurt too much. You know it says something when the soles of your feet become fat. One would think such a self-realization would result in a desire to change, I chose to say the course and eat large pizza by my lonesome.

Go to Hell

Monday, November 14, 2005

I am declaring a fatwa: Death to Alltel.

I accept that local utility monopolies don't give two shits about the consumer, it is literally their way or the anal reaming, or As Helen Keller once grunted, "Life is not fair." So I am fairly tolerant when comes to be mistreated by public utilities. However, at some point even tolerance must give way to absolute and irrevocable hate. My phone bill included a hidden charge: it appeared I was receiving a voice mail service from a third party company which resulted in $15.00 charge. I had no recollection of authorizing a charge that all but doubled my bill, especially not from a third party. I called Alltel and spoke to a very helpful young cunt. She stated that I must have signed up for an account, and even if I hadn't, it was my problem to solve. Quote, "Sir, there is nothing I can do. You have to call the company because you authorized the charges." My reply, "No, you authorized the charges without my knowledge and consent. The only phone service I would pay $15.00 would be phone sex, though generally it only takes me two minutes to reach fruition, which runs only six or seven bucks." I hung up shortly thereafter.

I called the mysterious voice mail provider and reached a member of their customer service department. The representative was very friendly and sounded quite helpful, sadly she didn't speak English so good. Since I am now inured to American companies using foreign customer service departments, I attempted to speak alienese. Fifteen minutes and several awkward pauses later, she confirmed that I didn't have an account. An unknown phone-a-whore (or was that whore-a-phone) had used my phone number and signed up for their voice mail service. The rep shared the perpetuator's name and verified that I didn't know her. I asked if my personal information was given, the rep stated that the only information they had on file was her name and my phone number. Joy swelled within my heart, my cheese coated arteries felt almost cleared. The rep even offered to send me an email documenting our exchange and stating a full refund would be given. The following is a verbatim reproduction of the last minute of our conversation.

Bob: My email address is p, as in paul, p a c at alltel--a l l t e l--period net.

CSR: Your email address is pasinpaulpac at alltel a l l t e l period net.

Bob: No, that isn't quite it. The address is p p a c @ a l l t e l dot net.

CSR: Your email address is d d a c @ a b b t e l d o t net.

Bob: Sure.......close enough.

I called Alltel back and stated the company had agreed to remove the charges. The new representative, who almost seemed to care, said that was great. I asked her if it was possible to prevent third party authorizations from appearing on my account. She said that any such authorization required the last four digits of my social security number. After a brief pause, I explained that the company, who her company had apparently illegally given authorization to, had no personal information from or about me; they simply billed my telephone number. Her oh so wise and enlightening reply, "Oh..." Oh is exactly what I was thinking, the stupid bitch.

Go To Hell

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Know when to fold'em.

Texas Hold'em is hard. The game has entirely too many human variables--i.e. is he bluffing, does she have a set, and the thought most frequenting my mind, I am hungry. Also, I have a complete inability to calculate hand permutations; math is for losers with future prospects. Friday night I went against my better judgment and attempted to play in game with a few friends. Nine people were involved and forty-five dollars was at stake. My goal was to not finish in last place, like my mom always said about competition: you will probably always be a loser, but at least you can strive to not be a total bitch.

The game consisted of two women, six guys and one homosexual. I started off slow, my strategy was to bide my time until I managed pocket aces, apparently that wasn't a reasonable idea. A half hour passed and nary an ace had come my way. Inspiration, in the form of pocket kings, struck. It was now or never, my time was literally in hand.

I started off strong; I raised five-hundred chips and saw the flop. The highest card showing was a ten, three suits were represented and a straight draw was a fanciful feat. I raised another five-hundred chips, only three people remained and I had a two thousand chips left. The next card was a five, which matched the other five on the board; I figured no one was chasing a trio of fives and decided to raise the bet one-thousand chips. My two opponents, who happened to be married, were still very much game. Fear boiled in my gut, sweat drenched my unibrow; however, I was pot committed, reason no longer played a part in the hand. The next card was a deuce, it was lonesome on the table, so I knew my Kings were high pair and straight or flush was impossible. Three fives would beat me, two pairs could always happened, so I decided to raise five-hundred more chips and let logic be damned. The married duo called my bet and we all showed our hands. The wife had a five, the husband wouldn't show, I had two kings and nothing else to show; my prayer to Che Kung had went unheard.

Even with fewer than five hundred chips, I managed to stay in play for over an hour; I rebuilt my chip stack, lost it once again and eventually ended up sixth. I accomplished all of this without looking one person in the face. Reading people is difficult and I had trouble enough deducing when to bet. Next time I am going to stare into the eyes, gaze into the portals of their souls; who knows, I might just manage fifth place.

Oh, and least you feel too sorry for me, I was only out five dollars and was able to eat an entire pizza, she who perpetuated three fives has cheese and pepperoni connections galore. All in all, it was a good night’s work, though it ended up causing a long morning on the porcelain throne.

Go To Hell

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Another reason to stay in bed

I came into work fairly late. It seems that fourteen hours of sleep just doesn't do it for me. At approximately 10:00 am, I heard a knocking at my door. I acknowledged it for a moment then drifted off to slumber. An hour later, due more to a lack of gastral constraint than anything else, I woke up and called mom at the shop. She seemed genuinely upset, I feared the worst: she had run out of cigarettes. Low and behold something much worse had happened, mom shared the following harrowing story: a crazed auction consignor, actually the boyfriend of said consignor, stormed into the store and threatened my mother and father. He bellowed, "I will get me...I will get even. You will regret fucking me out of money." This was troubling but my sleep-addled senses failed to recognize the true horror, this crazy fucker knew where we--in particular me--lived. What if he was the one knocking at my door? Also, it bears mentioning that I am paranoid about home assassination in general, so this turn of events only fed my usually unreasonable fears.

I showered with the curtain open, water spilled all over the floor. My hair remained unwashed; I couldn't risk closing my eyes, not even for a single second. So, yea, I overreacted a bit. Thus far the only thing I knew was that an unknown auction consignor was extremely dissatisfied with their check and decided to vocalize their displeasure. Cursing does not necessarily mean homicide. I put on my brave face and drove to the store.

Let it be said that paranoia has some benefits, most notably being the fact that once in a while it turns out to be justified. My mom was nearly in tears, I could hear the terror in her voice--this from a woman who fought men in bars and thought her labor pains were a mild bout of gas, she is/or-at-least-was one tough bitch. The police were taking her statement when I being to quiz my father as to what happened. He said that a crazed middle-aged man, who happened to be sporting a mohawk, threatened each of them and stood within an inch of his face. It wasn't exactly the vague threats that scared them--yes, even my dad was scared--instead it was his deranged behavior and inability to stop shaking. Complicating matters further was his reason for being insanely angry: I auctioned off an item two months ago, it brought several hundred dollars, his girlfriend--the actual consignor--expressed disappointment in the amount but didn't seem overly upset after we explained that several dozen people inspected and were present at the sale, it brought fair market value. We haven't heard anything since, at least not until earlier today. So he was spouting off threats and shaking like Michael J. Fox over something that happened to be settled two months prior. He claimed the item in question was worth $1,400.00, which was unsubstanited conjecture, or as I like to call it--BULLSHIT. The piece did sell cheaper than expected, I know the actual buyer and he eventually sold it for $700.00 on EBay, however that is fairly common in an absolute auction; some items bring less while others bring more, it is the nature of the beast. My father stated he tried to reason with him but it was to no avail, in order to prevent further escalation and keep my sixty-five year old father out of a physical altercation, she called the police.

Later, after the police had left, my mom shared some interesting tid-bits about the man; she had been close friends with his sister and knew of him, which I later remarked would have been helpful to know as we wouldn't have dealt with the crazy bastard or his girlfriend. One former friend affectionately referred to him as "Charlie Manson," another associate had told mom a story involving her sons and "Charlie" chasing them down with a wooden chair, apparently he wanted to test how many headshots it took to get to the center of the cranium. Another neat factoid about Charlie: he had once kicked a man to death but escaped jail time by allowing his older brother, who had blacked out, to take the fall--this story came directly from his sister who happened to witness his human soccer hijinks.

My dad was actually caring a loaded pistol in the store, which didn't alleviate my fears; all I could picture was him shooting off his big toe or accidentally winging me as he mistook the pistol for his cell phone. I convinced him that it was unwise to carry a loaded weapon, especially while operating a motor vehicle. I sort of lied about our local conceal and carry gun laws, though I am sure the NRA wouldn't mind, not this one time.

Anyway, long story short: It appears that a homicidal lunatic is angry with my family, most likely this includes me since I actually auctioned the item in question; furthermore, I am probably going to be murdered in my sleep, assuming I ever rest again. Who knew that auctioning antiques could be so dangerous? I bet they don't share stories like this on the Antiques Road Show.

Go To Hell

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Park Place Antiques Theater

Presents: The case for femicide

Woman: Can I see that pin.

Me: This pin?

Woman: No, not that one. I want the one shaped like butterfly.

Me: Ok, here you go.

Woman: Could you take less? (The pin's price: $2.00)

Me: I can't really discount items below $10.00.

Woman: Well...I don't want it then. How about I give you $1.00 for it.

Me: I thought you didn't want it.

Woman: I don't want it at $2.00, though I will definitely take it at $1.00.

Me: It costs $2.00. If you buy more costume jewelry, I would consider giving a discount on the total sale.

Woman: Well...I don't want it then. Can I see the bar pin?

Woman's Friend: Leave the poor boy alone. He doesn't want to bother with us.

Woman: What? He doesn't have anything better to do. We are the highlight of his day.

I contemplated bludgeoning her fat head in-- the problem was that I couldn't find a construct large enough for the task. In lieu of criminal assault, I opted to help the insipid bitch. She spent over thirty minutes looking over costume jewelry, none of which was priced over $3.00. Eventually she-who-justifies-assisted-homicide walked out with $5.00 in merchandise, her purchase consisted of two pins, one ring and a not so small part of my dignity.

Go To Hell

Monday, November 07, 2005

Two posts in one day. Wow, I must be really bored.

I am a digital voyeur. Trust me the title sounds a lot more interesting than it really is. I don't place cameras in women's restrooms, I don't peek through windows at the neighbor's teenage daughter, if only my disorder was so visually fulfilling. Real voyeurs (Did I just write "real voyeurs," it is a sad day when you can't even claim the title social deviant) watch actual life being lived, I get my kicks off reading what others write about life. I don't like watching sports, but I am all for reading sports columns. Bedding a woman is too much effort, rather I read about it on erotic stories websites (at the very least, I am still a socially recognized pervert.) Interacting with friends and family takes away from my me time, instead I opt to read online blogs and journals. I like to call it the vicarious life.

My high speed connection was terminated a couple months back; this has severely limited my voyeuristic opportunities. Thank God for the newspaper, cable news and imaginary friends, most notably Richard Irksome and Bethany Gonealltheway. Though, I am seriously considering leaving my tin-foil roof abode and venturing out into the wilds that is Newark. I will need to start slowly, perhaps a trip to Wal-Mart is in order.

Simply put, I need to get a life and/or laid--of course, I am assuming one doesn't precipitate the other.

Go to Hell

This rambling mass of text contains a ton of errors and isn't worth reading--Guaranteed!

A lot has happened in the world since my last post, here is a rundown of the relevant events: Bush created a hurricane that only targeted poor black folk, which is even more extraordinary when you consider that Bush was the cause of all black poverty in the first place; I gained another fifteen pounds and took one more step towards premature death caused by heart disease; Chicago won a World Series Championship, of course it was by the other Chicago team, the White Sox, and no one gives two shits about them; my little brother made a traveling basketball All-Star team, in nine years he has already eclipsed the sum total of all my athletic achievements--I feel like Danny DeVito in Twins; USC defeated Notre Dame, which actually lead to Charlie Weiss being offered and subsequently signing a ten-year contract, you don't have to win the big game but it does help to keep it close, words to live by, TY; George W. nominated a woman to the Supreme Court, she was instantly referred to as unqualified and stupid by Republican pundits, most notably Ann Coulter, this proves that even vivacious blonde mega-minds can't overcome the absolute common denominator in all women...cattiness/being-a-colossal-bitch-towards-all-other-women; after Harriet gracefully--much to her credit, all things considered--withdrew, Bush nominated a qualified and well versed Supreme Court nominee, too bad he is a white male; father started building a new home and it looks to be finished by Thanksgiving, too bad I am not allowed to live there, he mentioned something about no unemployed twenty-something allowed; I took the LSAT and did better than the great majority of people, sadly I didn't do nearly well enough, though with my stellar GPA my list of potential law schools numbered between 0 and 1; and finally, the Muslims decided to take over France in a bloody revolution--who says being poor, uneducated and breed to hate doesn't result in anything good, then again they are rebelling against France which is akin to revolting against a paper bag, albeit one containing fine wine, cheese and a pack of cigarettes. (this is truly painful to read, isn't it? Somewhere my middle-grade English teacher, Mrs. Kennedy, is slowly shaking her size-too-small head.)

Anyway, enough about pertinent world events, instead I wanted to share a couple good reads, both being in genres that you probably don't read exhaustively, unless you count the walking literary abortion Stephen King and that daft whore who writes about a thick-rimmed girl named Harry. Each is part of a larger trilogy, which is to their detriment, but they manage to be entertaining enough to overcome the curse that is the modern-day obsession with series--remember when a stand-alone book or movie was commonplace, now everything is created with a series in mind, though their are usually barely enough ideas to fill one project, more less three. I digress; the point is read the following books because they are enjoyable and most likely much different than your usual selections.

The first book, Writ in Blood: Serenity Falls 1, is a horror novel, though it isn't particularly terrifying or demented--the two staples of modern Horror. Don't expect heavy-handed & adjective-laden prose (see Stephen King if that is your cup of piss) or demented imagery (Bentley Little and Jack Ketchum are the talent-challenged, albeit enjoyable, hacks you seek); instead, it is one part supernatural detective story and two parts historical narrative concerning a town that burned witches, murdered carneys & made unknowing deals with the devil.

It was originally published as a single novel encompassing 700+ pages, which was only available in a severely limited fashion, a couple years later it was expanded and turned into a trilogy. I never read the stand-alone novel, though I would bet that great majority of the first book didn't require much clarification or expansion. Like I mentioned earlier, it doesn't work so well as a trilogy, but as a stand-alone book it is an enjoyable and fast-moving read. If you have the free time, the final two books are not completely devoid of value, they are just relatively, for lack of a better explicative, shitty by comparison.

My second recommendation, Whisper of Waves, is a fantasy novel published by Wizard's of the Coast. If you know anything about fantasy or geekdom in general, you understand that this is the company that publishes Dungeons & Dragons material, this includes tie-in fiction novels, which this is, at least ostensibly, an example of. Generally, these types of novels require a cursory understanding of D&D and some background in the actual fantasy world they take place; this work is no different, however, one would require ignorance of all fantasy archetypes--which is hard to find in today's world dominated by Lord of the Rings & Sherry Potter--to have trouble following this book. Put simply: the story takes place in a world where magic can alter the very fabric of reality; where dragons roam the skies and sometimes even the don the shape of man; dwarves work as shipbuilders, not as hand-maidens to Snow White; a universe where anything is possible, especially when it's convenient as a literary device. There, you are now prepared to read the book.

The actual novel is fascinating story, where every major character is morally ambiguous, this is not a story about defeating an evil wizard, or good conquering evil in any real sense; it is the story of a engineering genius who seeks to build a canal, even though it is apparently impossible, due largely to political interests. This character could just as easily be the protagonist in an Ayn Rand novel, or as an example of Nietzsche's √úbermensch. Obviously, this novel is not a thought out philosophical dissertation, but it does contain quite a few pages of intellectual discourse and debate--which is exceedingly rare in any fantasy novel, especially one that comes in well under 400 pages. Also, the interactions of the major characters, each falling more into the category of anti-hero than either hero or villain, is entertaining, thought-provoking and perversely endearing.

Sadly, this book serves as a set-up for the next two in the series, it does not come to any sort of reasonable fruition, which means if you enjoy the story, it then becomes necessary to read the final two stories. And, since thee next two books won't be out for a couple years, you are in for quite a wait. Bearing all this mind, not to mention the tendency for the quality of trilogy to be uneven, I still heartily recommend this book. Remember, it never hurts to get in touch with your inner nerd, assuming you do so in private and never mention it to anyone else.

Go to Hell