Tuesday, August 17, 2004

I am a big fan of the vs. movie concept. Taking two successful movie properties and putting them at odds with one another is movie gold, or at least it should be. Jason vs. Freddy, a movie I waited well over a decade for, was a lot of fun. Was it worth the long wait? No, but only because the over emphasis on the victims and the story. Who gives a shit about a bunch young no-name actors, and really the only story you need can be summed up in the following:

Jason walks into abandoned house on Elm St., Freddy appears and calls Jason a bitch. The music from Battle Royale begins in the background. Jason cleaves Freddy in two, after merging back together Freddy responds with a couple of taunts about Jason's parentage and proceeds to play chops on Jason's face. The fight escalates from there culminating in gigantic finale that manages to seperate space & time and creates an endless void that threatens to encompass the Universe. Roll the Credits El Fin

Over the weekend I watched Aliens vs. Predator. I left the theatre in a state of shock. It made Freddy vs. Jason look like Citizen Kane by comparison. First and foremost they cut out the blood and gore to garner a PG-13 rating, which particularly detracts from the Aliens appeal. Secondly, the story was contrived to the point that it was painful, and the actors were at best direct to video low budget horror schlock quality. But really the worst thing was the utter lack of Alien on Predator action. Imagine you rent Debbie Does Dallas and have to spend sixty minutes watching game film, ten minutes of disrobing, and at most twenty minutes of action, with the gratuitous portions censored out. Actually that would be more fun then watching this film because at least with Debbie Does Dallas Redux one has a chance to see some tits.

Anyway, none of this now matters because God has spoke and the ultimate film is soon to be made. There are rumors of a Jason vs. Freddy sequel in works, which is fine by me as long as they forget the story and focus on the ass whooping. But guess what? There is much more to this sequel because Ash, played by Bruce Campbell, from the Evil Dead trilogy is supposed to take part as well. Jason vs. Freddy vs. Ash could very well be the ultimate achievement of the human species. If you didn't pray to God before, you best better do so now because this is irrefutable evidence of his Divine existence. I haven't been this excited since discovering the art of masturbation.

Go to Hell