Friday, March 26, 2004

Park Place Antiques Theatre

Charity solicitor: Mr. Wilson I represent bull-shit charities and we are looking for contributions to support out program. With your help we will be able to provide a safe, structured environment for the children. And, you would receive free advertising in our radio commercial and pamphlet.

Ralph Wilson (dad): You need to talk with my wife about that. She enjoys giving my money away.

El Fin

Go to Hell

Thursday, March 25, 2004

Here is a post from February 27th of 2003. It managed to be both poignant and hilarious, all the while sharing a valuable lesson about life and love.

I hope you enjoy.

Thursday, February 27, 2003

What I am about to tell you, will most likely blow you away. In fact it may cause you to erupt in disbelief. I hope that you are able to swallow what I am going to say next: Performing fellatio does in fact nullify your virginity, and furthermore giving oral favors to dozens of guys does make you a slut.

Today many women believe that oral sex is “safe”, easy, and non-committal action that is the equivalent of heavy petting. A former president helped foster this viewpoint and in doing so insured the happiness of millions of men. However, their happiness comes at the cost of countless women’s self-respect and intelligence. Common sense screams that oral sex is a serious undertaking that deserves the same sense of importance attributed to coital intercourse. I personally have spoken with many women who hold the act of fellatio as an accepted 1st date practice, akin to a good night kiss. Of course they will not sleep with the guy until the 3rd date (another topic entirely) because they don’t want to come off as a slut. On the other hand I am good friends with many guys who benefited from the aforementioned girl’s casual use of oral sex, and rest assured ladies, they view you as “skanky sluts”. Am I being unfair, because there are two parties engaged in this action who both hold oral loving in such low esteem. Well, 99.9 % of all men do not perform cunnilingus on the 1st date, and usually on any other subsequent dates. In fact, based on intensive research, it takes substantial bribing (usually in the form of fellatio while watching Samurai Jack) for them to even consider that course of action.

So, here is the deal if you are a slut, then everything I said means nothing. A majority of men fall under this category, but women do you really want to be like guys? If so then quit kidding yourselves, instead use your womanly wiles to con men into going south of the equator. A naïve slut is an irrational concept, which is only practical in bad Soap Operas and Danielle Steele novels.

Go to Hell

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

Drivers education should teach its students that driving with two infected eyes is a dangerous and foolhardy proposition. I empathize with the eighty-year old segment of society, which only reinforces my belief that those blind bastards have no business driving.

While trying to take care of shipping for dad I happened upon this item. He marked the box "homo item". I found that quite funny.

Go to Hell

Tuesday, March 23, 2004

I have pink eye, and since Bob is not one to underachieve, it is in both eyes. Guess that means I have pink eyes.

Go to Hell

Monday, March 22, 2004

I am in absolute agony at the moment. It seems my wisdom teeth are conspiring with my right eye to cause excruciating, mind-numbing pain. I can't chew on either side of my mouth nor can I focus on an object for more then a few seconds due to an intense throbbing in the eye socket. To make matters worse I have a considerable itch in my ass, which is probably the early stage of a yeast infection. I am thankful that my intense pain is largely blocking out the urge to itch, so there is a silver lining to be found even in an acid rain causing cloud.

Go to Hell

Sunday, March 21, 2004

You are all going to hell.

Go to Hell

Thursday, March 18, 2004

Where is Bruce Willis when you need him?

Go to Hell

Tuesday, March 16, 2004

I wake up constipated and stuffed in. You know it is going to be a great day when you are literally full of shit and snot. I look outside and see several inches of snow, which is a little surprising since the temperature was in the low sixties yesterday. Of course I live in the Ohio Valley where the only metrological constants are wacky humidity and my hair standing on end. One could argue that my hair, whether effected by humidity or not, does not constitute a weather phenomena. These people obviously have never witnessed the force that is my hair, especially those hairs located on my rump. There is nothing worse than having ones butt-hairs stand.

Apparently there is a suspect in the Ohio Sniper case. That blows my angry Islamic Denison student theory all to hell. I still think those curry-smelling bastards are up to something but only time will tell.

This is a dangerous new world we live in. For example the Spanish suffer through a horrendous terror attack and decide the best course of action is to cut off all ties to their Western Allies and elect Mussolini’s heir apparent. Other then the last hundred years of history and anyone with a minimal understanding of global politics who is to say that isolationism won't work, especially when it is attempted by radical socialist regime. Sounds like a winner to me.

It is heartening to know that even in this new burgeoning world of snipers, terrorists and crazy regimes we can always count on some things to stay the same.

Go to Hell

Sunday, March 14, 2004

I had a shitty day but will spare you the gruesome details or maybe I won't. But my tirade has to wait as I received the greatest email today.

hi,my names marissa,im 10 years old.yor story is so sad . .im going through someting like that.i get bad grades in science and math, i have about 10 people in my faimly died.
write back soon.
i have aim my screen names are
nsscswimmer, and


It is hard to believe but the text alone does not do the message justice. The email's background is tiled with multiple Police Department images. Obviously someone thinks it is funny to associate pedophilia with Bob.......which normally would be true however; I would never pick up a pre-pubscent girl on the internet. I prefer finding them in shopping malls and local parks.

Go to Hell

Saturday, March 13, 2004

The little brother has a girlfriend. He speaks with her on the phone every night for hours at a time. Since he is only seven years old I find that to be totally unacceptable. Of course I am also extremely jealous of his "relationship". It isn't the girl herself that bothers me because I am way over dating eight year olds. In fact unless she is twelve, or at least an emotionally developed eleven, I don't even show interest.

The problem is that my kid brother has a more worthwhile life than me. He has friends, the love of his parents, and now most importantly a woman. To make matters worse I never actually spoke with a non-grandma woman on the phone until age 17. I was a god damn senior in high school before a girl called me. And she only spoke with Bob because of an interest in a friend at the time, Jasper the Friendly Joke.

Even when I think that this is as low as it gets, my life manages to degenerate further. I would like to think it could only get better but we all know it is only going to get worse.

Go to Hell

Thursday, March 11, 2004

A friend from college quit his job last week. I am so very glad. The success of Bob's collegiate associates makes him unhappy. He prefers it when they are unemployed and practicing self-destructive behavior.

This post is dedicated to you Jeweisen. Hopefully the balding geologist will soon follow your lead and take his rightful place in the unemployment line.

Then all will be right with the world.

Go to Hell

Tuesday, March 09, 2004

Dear stupid dyke bitch who masquerades as a meter maid,

I hope you die. I know that being born stupid, ugly and without a penis was terribly unfair but it is not my problem. You give me parking tickets when I don't deserve them, and even when I do you pick my car out of a row of several dozen to check and ignore the rest. Lesbian kind should disown you, since you are such an ugly bitch, but if they won't I will. As an ambassador of human-kind I hereby declare you no longer worthy of the title "human" therefore anyone who wishes to run you over, and over and over, is allowed and encouraged to do so.

Best Wishes You Stupid Cunt,

The guy whom you gave a $5.00 ticket

Sunday, March 07, 2004

I have a feeling she won't stay retired for long. Radioactive mutant lizards tend to crave wanton destruction, something that is in short supply at most retirement facilities. Well unless you count fried chicken night, which often does lead to destroyed villages and ruptured power plants.

Monday, March 01, 2004

Lord of the Rings dominated last night and was easily the highlight of an otherwise boring Oscar Awards Show. I think Return of the King was the weakest in the trilogy but really the eleven Oscars it received were for the collective genius of the three films. Voting, with a trilogy in mind, is unfair to the other nominated films however; fairness is thrown out the window when The Lord of the Rings has grossed well over two billion dollars worldwide. Even that golden hued bald bastard has to recognize greatness on such a colossal scale.

Speaking of blockbuster films The Passion of the Christ had a pretty fair opening. I really don't want to see this film for a variety of reasons, none of which have to do with religion. I absolutely abhor subtitles, unless crazy White Coyto Dragon Tail kung fu action is involved, and even then I typically prefer watching the movie with poorly synched English voiceovers. Also, Bob finds graphic violence, which is rooted in reality, to be disturbing and off-putting. Odds are I will overcome these issues and watch the film this week or early next.

I am starting a diet today, well actually tonight, since I slept through the lion share of the day. Anyway, I had a revelation of sorts this weekend concerning my appearance. It doesn't matter what other people, in particular women, think about my looks because there is little I can change about them. If I am ugly, so be it and if I am not, great. Whether I am fat, skinny or somewhere in-between my outward appearance stays fairly constant.

Nonetheless there is a point where too much is too much. I need to lose weight for health reasons. In the past I lost weight for the wrongs reasons; to avoid criminal prosecution, to impress a girl, even once to make my penis look bigger. Wish me luck with the weight loss, or not since some of you are envious fucks who want to see Bob suffer, and know that no matter how much I weigh that Bob is better than you.

By way go to my other blog as I will once again attempt a daily diet journal.

Go to Hell