Tuesday, June 21, 2005

And I thought it was true love

Scientology is a cult, which is only the second time I found myself in agreement with German policy--I am a big believer in giant walls.

L. Ron Hubbard was a marginal science fiction writer; one day, while contemplating the finer points of saurian space rays, he decided to start a religion. I applaud him for that, Bob is all for reconstructing the cosmos in a fit of whimsy. By the way, I really hope that Ray Bradbury follows suit, one can only imagine the religious fervor derived from the scripture of Ray, though I would shy away from the sections involving carnivals.

Katie, please run while you still can. Tom, it is time you go back to the homeworld, and based your recent behavior I am fairly certain you got the castration part out of the way.


Monday, June 20, 2005

Reason # 2,591 To Go On a Tri-State Killing Spree

I turn twenty-five in little over a weeks time. My years of virility are officially over, to think that only my mattress was truly able to appreciate the sexual prowess of Bob. As with most depressing events--death, taxes, fellatio from homeless transexuals named Shondra--the government feels the need to kick a man while he is prostrate and suffering from herpes, with that in mind I headed to the DMV.

I was willing to allow for an hour or so to renew my license, which seemed like a reasonable amount of time. I arrived and discovered twenty people waiting, a feeling joy swelled in my heart as even the most inept employees, who numbered six in all, could process twenty people in sixty minutes. Of course expectations, be they great or otherwise, are not to be had at the DMV; it is a bastion of inefficiency, a dullard's sanctuary, a place that pisses me the fuck off.

I waited for forty five minutes, watched three people be processed and was told that the printer was malfunctioning making it impossible to process license renewals for the rest of the day. It seems the octogenarian in charge was unable to figure out the problem, meaning that the printer most likely needed only to be unplugged and plugged back in, however being the senior in charge, not to mention in need of immediate funeral planning, he decided to order a new printer from offices located west of Columbus (FYI--when the DMV says west of Columbus what they really mean is Japan).

Rage is a funny thing: some see red; others feel blue; I opted for a little of both and cried a single tear, dropped my waiting-in-line number and shot the bird to the entire room.


Dear Timmy,

You are supposed to be a marquee player, one of the best talents in the NBA. I once argued that you were the greatest power forward ever, the most complete four since McHale. Tonight, much to my shame, you choked. Big Fundamental, you single handedly handed the game to Detroit--Missed foul shots, lackluster defense and piss poor shot selection all but guaranteed a two-peat.

Thank god for Bobby, the NBA's representative from the AARP, who managed to outplay both you and the Motor City. He is clutch, you, on the other hand, are a bitch.

I hope you contract leprosy.


P.S. Stephan A. Smith, whom I refer to as Bombastic Bastard, you are the reason why I am pro-lynching.

Friday, June 10, 2005


What the fuck is wrong this judge? A juvenile-prison guard CAN NOT HAVE CONSENSUAL SEX WITH A 16 YEAR OLD INMATE--IT IS A LEGAL IMPOSSIBILITY. Hell, I only wish it was possible to trade thirty weekends to have sex with a teenager locked in a cage.


Thursday, June 09, 2005

Who needs drugs

From Sin City to The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl, Robert Rodriguez continues to demonstrate that he is one sick fuck.


Tuesday, June 07, 2005

It's Raining Men

He wasn't exactly running... more like falling.


Monday, June 06, 2005

All the girls I know shallow throat.

Wow, it turns out Deep Throat was Mark Felt--I always figured it was G. Gordon Liddy providing the second greatest mind-fuck EVER, the first being the ending to High Tension. His family hails him as a hero; incidentally, Jeffrey Dahmer’s relatives thought him to be a vegetarian.

Nixon deserved to be impeached, but so did LBJ and old hole-in-the-head. All three orchestrated FBI cover-ups, break-ins and a innumerable other felonious offenses. Please keep that in mind when your grandfather gushes about Camelot or strokes his Teen People Lady Bird poster.

There are plenty of articles available on the particulars of Watergate; most are repetitive, polemical shit but here is one I rather enjoyed. The majority of the article is a rehash of every other Conservative Pundits , however the bit about Frank Willis is very telling.


Sunday, June 05, 2005

Woe to my inner serial killer

Here is an experiment. It is a mad, mad mixture of Faustian ideals, Frankensteinian anatomy and hyper-developed twentysomething angst.

Good day.