Saturday, July 31, 2004

I really enjoyed this site, I wonder why? Pay close attention to the Least likely for you to mind being raped by winner, as she has caused quite a stir in the internet community. She is cute, a sex offender, and a Southern Belle to boot. Definitely someone I would take home to mom.

Earlier this evening I saw that which no man should ever see. I was leaving the mall when a cute blonde appeared in the corner of my eye. She looked to be around fifteen to sixteen years of age, was approximately 5'2 and at first glanced, which consisted of checking out her face and legs, she weighed no more than 110 pounds. Lately, I have been leaving the bosom for last, when checking out a girl, and what a surprise that caused today. This girl had a pair of breasts that defied nature, the word mammoth does not even begin to do them justice. In fact the only proper way to describe them would be; cyclopean mounds of alien flesh. I seriously considered approaching this young lady, but what would I say? Miss, those awe inspiring mountainous things, you call breasts, can't be real, but you appear to be too young to have implants, so really the only relevant question is; Can I touch them?

Go to Hell

Friday, July 30, 2004

Most of my peers, both gainfully employed and otherwise, do not believe my "job" at the parent's store constitutes real work. I have supported and even perpetuated this notion over the years and for that I am very sorry. Most people whom I am acquainted with do not have tough or demanding jobs, in fact other than the inevitable mental anguish that comes from working for the man, they have a very easy time of it. Now, I must admit that there is something to be said for working forty hours a week consistently, something which, as of yet, I have been unable to do. But, I truly wonder if any of my friends, or really any sane person, could perform my duties here at Park Place Antiques. The first issue is that I work for my mom & dad, or as I affectionately refer to them "Hitler & Mussolini." My mother, a.k.a. the Fuehrer, is, by all accounts, the cruelest being in the universe. To be fair I will limit this discussion to her treatment of me at work, as not even your darkest nightmares could entertain her treatment of Bob at home.

The Fuehrer

Mom likes to mock my job related ineptitude, in particular my ignorance of the antique world. She routinely points out this failing to any and all peoples who come through the shop doors. Honestly, this isn't such a major issue and it is one I could learn to deal with however, it gets much worse. After initially portraying Bob as a complete and utter moron, mom begins to build momentum of the ridicule-bob-kind. Keep in mind that she is generally speaking to perfect strangers while reading the following. Mother then likes to point out my relationship inadequacies, how I am single and forevermore shall remain so, and hint that I am of the homosexual persuasion.

After completely humiliating me, she questions the customers about their own children and whether or not they attended college. They usually respond about how wonderful their children are doing, or had done in college. Usually, mom gives them an evil grin and begins the tale of woe that was my collegiate career. She explains how I went to an expensive, well esteemed Liberals Arts institution. A place that afforded limitless opportunities to its students. Of course her no good, worthless son did not take advantage of this once in a lifetime chance, instead he spent four years drinking, breaking University fixtures and nearly failing out of school. He refused to go to class and at one point claimed that I suffered from a severe mental illness, in order to prevent academic related expulsion. I can't refute most of her argument, since it is in fact true. However, I would like to point out that I only drank for approximately two years of college, and spent the other two years laying in bed. And, honestly anyone who has spent any considerable amount of time with my mother can attest to her mental illness, and while that might not constitute a medical diagnosis, it is good enough for me. Anyway, I don't want to spend too much time discussing my mother's hate for her eldest son, so now I will share the story of Dad and how he thinks I am his bitch at work.

Il Duce

I love my father very much. But, I pity him even more. He has to put up with my mother, Issy, and me. Such a fate is proof positive that the Devil exists and enjoys torturing mankind. However, I must admit that a great deal of father's pain is of the self inflicted kind. He allows, or enables as all you pop psychology guru's like to say, Mother, myself, and Issy to act like total spoiled brats and treat him less like a man and more like an ATM. But, don't mourn the everyday hell that is dad's life because he still manages to get his shots in, at least towards Bob, while at work.

Dad believes that he is the absolute authority on any and all issues relating to work. Occasionally, I do come up with an innovative way to make more money or simply a means to reduce overhead cost. Everyone of those ideas is shot down quicker then a US spy plane flying over China. Of course he is the owner, and subsequently the boss so his word is law. I can deal with that, or at least I can pretend to do so. But, he doesn't stop there, dad then takes it to the next level and ridicules my brilliant ideas in front of his cronies.

It would be different if these men were captains of industry, self-made millionaires, or even adequate businessmen, but these men are nothing more than old deprecate retirees who never succeeded in any personal venture, and try leech off of dad's modest success. In other words he is unjustly calling me out in front of a group of dim-witted jackals who enjoy seeing someone, such as myself, with unlimited potential being knocked down a peg or two. As a wise friend once told me "Fuck that shit."

I am willing to suffer untold humiliations at the hands of marginally attractive women, my mother, and the little brother but Bob draws the line at this action. So, usually I verbally berate my father, in front of those same slack jawed rejects, concerning his poor business skills or simple lack of formal education. This results in shouting, expletives being tossed around (which my Dad never uses, except in reference to me or people of color) and finally my mother rushing in and stating "You are going to kill your dad, Bob. What are you going to do then?" My response, which is never changes and I must admit is not terribly creative, is "The real question what would your lard laden ass do without him to care of you?" The argument goes downhill from there.
Father dearest also has a bad habit of rescinding his authority when it comes to issues he is not comfortable with. Anytime an employee needs disciplined, a return phone must be made, or any issue involving Ebay, he states that I am the boss and need to take initiative and solve the problem. In other words my official job title is "Store Bitch" unless it involves serious problems or concerns, where upon I become the Store Manager.

As you can tell Dad isn't quite as bad as Mom but he is far from easy to work with or for. Of the two I would give him my non-cancerous kidney, while Mom well she would have to make do with the other one.

The purpose of today's' rant was to demonstrate that I do have a job, one that is extremely difficult and frankly, you probably couldn't handle it. The best thing for me would be to leave and start anew at a non-family run business, to leave the comfortable embrace of working in this hell hole, and instead start my long sojourn on the corporate ladder. What fun would that be? I might be the Jews to my parents Nazi Germany, but I don't think Bob would have it any other way. There heinous oppression has molded Bob into the man he is today. You may argue that isn't saying much, and I woud say "To Shut the Fuck up and die."

Have a nice weekend,

Go to Hell

Monday, July 26, 2004

I passed the Auctioneer's exam.   Now, I can look forward to a career that is only marginally better then that of a carnival barker. 

Go me.

Go to Hell

Sunday, July 25, 2004

The auctioneer's exam was not too difficult, thought it apparently written by a mad Arab, as it mentioned the summoning of the ancient Old Ones in several places.  Actually, it was written by the former legal consul of Ohio, who now enjoys writing testing material in the most convoluted and imprecise ways possible.  I pointed this fact out to the Administrative Assistant, who basically runs the Auctioneer department, which is scary in of itself, but anyway she didn't take kindly to my harsh, albeit entirely accurate, criticism.
Here is an example question from the test, and I am really not exaggerating in its presentation

Is it not false that when one sells 300 cattle at auction, they are not mandated by the State of Ohio to have an auctioneer’s license?
The above example was in the True or False section, thought I wouldn't have been surprised if they put it in the multiple choice area.

When selling chattel property at Auction, in what instances are you NOT required having an auctioneer’s license?
A. When selling your own property.

B. When selling your own property, which was not bought for resale.

C. When selling your own property, which was not bought for resale and purchased within the last ten years.

D.  All of the Above.

E.  None of the Above

F.  When Lord Yoggosoth deems it fit not to.

A, B, C, are all correct and subsequently D would be the proper answer but A could very well be incorrect.  If you read the Ohio Revised Code, it clearly states a person must not be selling property bought for resale, if they have an auction without a license. Since, the other two choices specifically mentioned "not for resale" one could easily assume that the test-maker/laywer/retardedwhore put in choice A to confuse and mislead the test taker.  Furthermore, answer C could be a red herring as well because the ten year provision is not applicable or mentioned in the ORC.  In other words D is probably the answer but B is the best choice because it is the only one that is clear, accurate and actually referred to in the ORC.   I picked choice F

By the way if you think that previous examples are fabricated, or at the very least greatly exaggerated, please do read test makers previous work located in the ORC, in particular section 4707.   She really does have a gift for making the easiest concepts and procedures complicated as hell.  I pretty sure she hand in writing the Microsoft user agreement as well

Go to Hell

Thursday, July 22, 2004

Tomorrow, I meet my destiny.  To be more to the point, I am taking my auctioneer licensing test at 9:ooam Friday, July 23.  There is no way that I should fail, as the test, itself, is very simple.  However; I have this lingering feeling that somehow I will manage to fuck the test up and be that guy.  You know the guy who managed to fail Phys Ed, the guy who prematurely ejaculates when the hot transvestite is on the bed, the guy who only needed a 57% on his final exam of the semester to get an A in AP American History and manages to get a 37%. 

Wish me luck.

Go to Hell

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

I typically don't rehash a subject, unless you count my hatred towards women, but this guy deserves another post.  I am glad that a page 2 Espn writer actually compared him to Michael Jordan because I actually thought the same thing. 

Obviously a pencil necked software engineer has very little in common with MJ, at least externally but they are both similar in one important way.  They have the x factor, the it gene, the ability to hit a fading jump shot over Craig Ehlo and send Cavaliers basketball into the stone ages (at least till Lebron came into town).   I only watched this smarmy little bastard one time, and it was only for a half of Double Jeopardy, but you know was painfully obvious from even this short viewing.  Ken Jennings is absolutely unbeatable.  Of course one day he will falter and fall, no one wins forever, not even the # 23 but when you watch this guy that is exactly the impression you get.   There is an heir of invincibility surrounding him that is hard to accept and impossible to like but undeniably entertaining to watch.    I never liked Jeopardy, which is why, even now, with the quiz master dominating the show, I don't tune in.  But, deep inside I know, as should you, that something special is going on in Trebek land.  You might not tell your children about it but maybe you should.  You will be hard pressed to ever find a more impressive example of absolute mastery and actual historical evidence of what being in the zone means.   Any non-athlete who draws an analogy to Michael Jordan is special but one, who might actually be even more dominating in his chosen field, is extraordinary. 

Ok, enough of me suckling the Mormon's ass.  Though, I would like to say that Bob was once in the zone as well.  For twenty minutes I satisfied a girl in ways that Ron Jeremy could only imagine.  It didn't hurt she was drunk, or that I was so nervous that ejaculation was not physically impossible. But, even taking that into account doesn't deny that for a little over one quarter of an hour Bob truly did live up to the name, Big Sexy.  Her dam did most assuredly come crashing down and she did spill a flood, in spurts of course, that would do Noah proud. 
Ok so that is really why I wrote today's post, to brag about my one, and really only, mutually gratifying and successful sexual encounter. 

Go to Hell

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

You have to love my father and his reliance on "old school" terminology.  I tried to explain that Negro is not the accepted term anymore, unless it is being used by Negroes, themselves, or disenfranchised white suburban kids.  
He might not be politically correct but God help him, he is unintentionally funny. 
Go to Hell

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

Where is Sean Connery when you need him?

Those damn Mormon's are starting to get on my nerves. First they discover the secret password to the Celestial Kingdom and now they have taken over our most beloved quiz show, Jeopardy.

Foul, I cry foul.

Go to Hell

You want to know why I am bitter, this is why.The fact that this has been going for years and been, for the most part, public knowledge is disturbing. I understand that society wants to empower women but isn't the cost a little high? Stripping men of their rights, both innate and guaranteed by the law, to insure a child has a father, and more to the point that a mother has a scapegoat to pin her problems on, seems just a bit unfair. Maybe it is just me.

Thank god I gave up sleeping with ghetto whores long ago or a false claim could have been made against me.

Moral of the story: The family-court system is totally worthless, as are the bureaucratic institutions that exist to help children. It is time to scrap the whole lot of them and begin anew. My suggestion is to make Bob Lord Protector of Children with absolute say over their welfare and development. Of course I would not directly oversee girls 14-17 due to "personal" conflicts.

Go to Hell

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

I have a very special post in store for everyone later this week, hopefully it will serve as both therapy for Bob and a reason for you to feel better about your own lives.

I read through some old post cards and birthday cards from the girls in my life and something very obvious and painful became apparent. There cards were of a lovey dovey nature, so one would expect romantic language. There was some of that but for the most part what the girls stated was less about my devastating good looks, and more about my "great" personality. When someone focuses on your personality, especially that special someone, and virtually never comments on your phyiscal appearance, guess what? You are an ugly bastard. I wish there was some solace to be found in my inner beauty, but as you all know, I am fucking hideous on the inside as well.

Oh well guess my career in big and tall modeling is a no-go. Then again I didn't really relish the thought of wearing lifts to satisfy the tall part.

Go to Hell

Thursday, July 08, 2004

I am an Ebay God. Too bad the money goes to dad.

Go to Hell

Wednesday, July 07, 2004

Usually, I am all for old school values, but this is a little extreme. This is just one more sign of "a great disturbance in the Force" hopefully his crazy biblical values will negate the 9th Circuit's equally insane liberal rulings.

God help us all. At least Big J. Holmes would attest to that fact.

Go to Hell

Sunday, July 04, 2004

I am done with women, sex, relationships and Jews. Most of you liberal fuck-wits mock GW for his insistence on abstinence based sex education programs, but guess what? He is fucking right. When you fuck before marriage, crazy shit tends to happen and often leads to heartbreak, financial ruin and herpes. Everyone of you know what I am saying is true because you have experienced it. But, since we are simple animals, who have an unbelievably high capacity for foolish behavior, we never learn. History most definitely repeats itself when it comes to our intimate relationships. I like to think of it as God's way of saying I told you so.

Go to Hell

By the way Michael Moore is a lying bitch. Even his own kind think so, and when I say his kind I mean cry baby liberals who need to spend less time flirting with communism and more time on actually developing worthwhile social programs, instead of the racist and sexist institutions you foster now.

Fuck the whole lot of you.

Saturday, July 03, 2004

Happy Independence Day, or as most of you unpatriotic morons call it "July 4th".

Thomas Jefferson and his illegitimate slave children are turning over in their graves.

You all would do well to read this document, and if it is not asking too much try and understand it. It may surprise that the words written within it are still applicable today.

When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. --That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, --That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security. --Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Britain [George III] is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.

He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.

He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.

He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.

He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.

He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected; whereby the Legislative powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.

He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.

He has obstructed the Administration of Justice, by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary powers.

He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone, for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.

He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harass our people, and eat out their substance.

He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the consent of our legislatures.

He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil power.

He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:

For Quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:

For protecting them, by a mock Trial, from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:

For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world:

For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent:

For depriving us, in many cases, of the benefits of Trial by Jury:

For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offences:

For abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies:

For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws, and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:

For suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.

He has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us.

He has plundered our seas, ravaged our Coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.

He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty and perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.

He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.

He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages, whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.

In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.

Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our British brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by the Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.

Apparently our forefathers knew a thing or two about liberty, which is surprising considering they are the supposed bane of Western Civilization, wealthy white men. Go figure.

Go to Hell