Monday, January 31, 2005

Sports, Crushes and the lives ruined along the way

I am suffering from writer's deluge. There is so muchI want to write about, but I can't figure out what is worth the time and what will get me published in Penthouse. I did manage to write out an application to the be the new intern for The Sports Guy, however, I am not sure that was a worthwhile exercise. When applying for a position, even one at page 2, it isn't good to begin with "how I have a man-crush on you." Of course I assured Bill that it wasn't about lust, I simply found his prose to be elegant and beautiful. It went downhill from there. Odds are good, damn good, that I won't be hearing back from The Sports Guy, but maybe his attorney will be in contact with me about a restraining order. One can hope.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

I don't want to be a baby's mamma

I was thinking about pregnancy, how I didn't want to get pregnant, and if it was possible to self-impregnate. I know that is unlikely for a man to impregnate himself, but one can never be too careful. As you very well know--or at least should know by reading through the archives of my blog--I am not prepared (fit) for parenthood. Therefore, I must strive to prevent a little Bob from entering the world. I concluded that Yasmin , the #1 brand of birth control, is my best bet to prevent pregnancy; if that fails, there is always the forceps-to-the-skull option.

After researching the benefits of Yasmin, I was surprised to discover that it doesn't prevent sexually transmitted disease-- HIV being the notable example. Now, I don't know about you, but my sex-ed teacher said that birth control is the cure-all and end-all to my sexual promiscuity worries. Then again, I am pretty sure I can't catch a sexually transmittable disease from myself--I consider the sores, similar as they may be, on my genital region and inside my mouth to be mere coincidence.

Just remember: The pill can prevent pregnancy, but it can't protect you from your penis falling off--oh, and it causes bloating, not to mention cervical cancer (I am not sure if I have a cervix or not).

Go to Hell

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Dan Rather Didn't Send Me The Memo

George Walker Bush was inaugurated today. He is only the sixteenth president to participate in--or suffer through--two inaugurations. In protest of those protesting the inauguration, I decided to post my protest.

I accept the notion of free speech, even if it isn't applied equably. Point out that Christmas, a Federal Holiday, celebrates the birth of Christ and you are violating civil liberties; illustrate that young black males are more likely to commit violent crimes than elderly Korean women and you are labeled a racist. In other words, free speech only protects the speech that you agree with it--and when I say you, I mean those people who didn't vote for Bush.

However, even if my point of view is routinely trampled upon, even if my values are mocked, and even if I believe in Christ and not affirmative action, I still tolerate the speech--stupid as it may be--of others.

So, good luck with your protest and enjoy the next four years. This might not be my country, hell, the course of history--meaning the oh-so-biased academics--will probably say its yours, nonetheless; I just wanted to say: Thanks for being such gigantic douches; demonstrating that the spirit of the 1960's is dead, not to mention retarded.

Go to Hell

Thursday, January 13, 2005

My Hero: The Fuhrer

Prince Harry: Dad, I am not satisfied with being rich, handsome and a prince. Any suggestions?

Prince Charles: Hitler seemed like a happy, satisfied and well adjusted fellow. Why not be a Neo-Nazi?

Prince Harry: Great idea! Jewish interment camps, here we come. What flavor of tea goes with genocide?

Prince Charles: I found the flavor of Darjeeling quite soothing, after having your mother killed.

Prince Harry: Oh Dad, your such a card.

Go to hell

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

I had a good reason for killing twenty college coeds, honest!

Here is a list of mother's pet names for me:

  • Bitch
  • Fucking Bitch
  • Fucker
  • Whore
  • Terrorist
  • Faggot
  • Faggot Bitch
  • Loser
  • Fat Ass
  • Free Willie
  • And my newest name--Embezzler

Go to Hell

Monday, January 10, 2005

He has a point

Little Brother: Petey (the family mutt--who, by the way, takes great delight in urinating on my discarded clothing) is worthless. He can't do anything.

Me: He can jump up onto the bed, which is pretty impressive considering his diminutive size.

Little Brother: What does diminutive mean?

Me: I think it means small, if not, well, it does now.

Little Brother: Ok. You know, Petey is half white and black.

Me: What? I don't follow.

Little Brother: Petey is half black, which means he can jump.

Me: Issy! You shouldn't say that.

Little Brother: It is true--white guys can't jump.

Me: That isn't true. There are plenty of white guys who can jump.

Little Brother: Name one.

Me: ...Well....umm...I am not the right person to ask. I would say to ask dad, but he would probably end up explaining instead how white people play basketball, while black people play jungle ball.

Little Brother: You are stupid.

Me: No argument here.

Go to Hell

Author's Note: I was shocked to learn that white men can, in fact, jump. Stefan Holm, 2004 Olympic High Jump Champion, is a living testimonial to this fact; however, he is from Sweden--which doesn't strictly count. The Swedes are a little too dark to be considered white; I think the term white with an asterisk is applicable in their case. Nonetheless, I, a gravity-bound white guy, will take what I can get.

Sunday, January 09, 2005


I don't feel sorry for him. He put himself in this situation by fucking a thirteen-year-old girl.
(A friend responding to the sorry state affairs of a mutual acquaintance.)

Go to Hell

Thursday, January 06, 2005

I am not dead--yet.

Posts will continue next week. I had a bout with food poisoning that resulted in the subsequent terror that is an empty stomach.

Go to Hell