Sunday, August 29, 2004

Fun with hyperlinks

Early this morning while looking up actresses from the ridiculously bad Dorm Daze, I had cause for alarm. Actually, to be honest I had cause to be terrified beyond belief. I had just finished viewing my tenth Topanga Fan site of the night, when I caught a glimpse of movement out of the corner of my eye. I turned my head in time to see the backend of a beast both furious in movement and gargantuan in size. This abomination had the appearance of an arachnid but appeared to have only four legs. Also, it had some sort of appendage at the end, resembling a tail of sorts. Perhaps it was a Scorpion, albeit a deformed one, missing the obligatory eight legs. Or, was it something worse, a being not yet identified in the annals in Zoology. Could it be that I had by chance discovered a new species in the trailer, was that possible? I would call it the Bob Bug, no take that back; I would call it the Bobus Maximus Bugimus, yea I like that much better. Anyway, my initial horror waned in lieu of this promising prospect. I had finally found a means to success and fortune. However, my mood soon turned dour once more after realizing that this "new" species was perhaps a very old one. Had I stumbled upon one of the ancient space faring ancestors of the Arachnids? Was it sent to spy upon me, converse with me or simply to suck the very marrow of my bones? How does one battle an immortal bug? I needed a plan of action, so with the aid of Google I sought a way to free myself from the Space Bug menace.

I learned that most terran based arachnids could easily be dispatched with a well placed stomp, however it was prudent, and just plain cool, to wear a pair of cowboy boots while doing the stomping. But, was this not an immortal arachnid, a being so foul that it only needs four legs to control the universe, not the usual obligatory eight. I feared that simple stomping would not be enough. After several minutes of searching, my quest seemed doomed, that is until I stumbled upon the most useful of biological endeavors, cryptozoology. If the Mexicans could live with the dreaded Chupacabra, which many believed had extraterrestrial origins, I, Bob, could overcome this dreaded menace. Yet, even the scientific prowess of the cryptozoology community had no answer for my most pressing of queries; how was one supposed to destroy an immortal space monster?

I knew there must be a way, but I had no idea where to look next. With all options exhausted I relied on the power of google to save me once again. I typed in Giant Space Arachnid and found salvation. The Giant Spider Invasion was a classic film was from the 1970's. As the titled indicates it deals with a Giant Spider Invasion, one that was caused by a wayward meteor. Now, I must admit the story sounded a little farfetched and it didn't exactly mirror my own but it was nearing five in the morning, so I was willing to entertain any solution, even creative ones. Basically the plot revolves around a meteor that is the gateway into another dimension, one bent on taking over the earth via giant spiders. I tried to figure how the film ended, but all I discovered beyond a brief plot summary, and that the Skipper, Alan Hale Jr., played a key role, was that the giant spider was in fact a VW Bug. How does this help me? It really doesn't. I guess the immortal space farcing arachnids had won. Then again I might just call Terminix.

Go to Hell