Thursday, June 03, 2004

The internet has ruined humanity. Look at myself for example, in person I am a sweet, loving, adorable and generous human being but the anonymity of the internet causes me to morph into a gigantic ass. Then again, in my case, it is simply allowing the true Bob to emerge, like a beautiful butterfly fluttering out from the cocoon; I am freed from societal restraints and am able to embrace my true inner-hate. But, I am the exception to the rule. Everyone else who uses the information superhighway is an asshole simply because no one is able to beat their ass for being one.

The ass beating theorem has prevented legions of morons from acting on their pathetic and asinine desires. You don't usually find random people walking up to your person and call you a "stupid fucking faggot." Why? Because you, your brother, father, mother, significant other, or the police will beat that offender’s ass.

Even less abrasive confrontations are covered under the a.b. theorem. Take an annoying customer, the stereotypical know-it-all, who claims to know the origin of a particular item and proceeds to tell you either price according to what I said, or I am going to stand out front and tell everyone you are a crook. Guess what happens next? The store owner pulls out a magnum revolver, walks up to the sanctimonious piss ant and pistol whips the living shit out of him. I am not a constitutional expert but it is fairly clear that is justifiable assault and, more importantly, covered under the a.b. theorem.

Sadly, this is not applicable to the internet, allowing otherwise inexplicable acts of idiocy to occur. The previous examples are based on true experiences. Anytime I enter a chat room or play an online game I am assaulted with dozens of expletives, usually involving my mother and a midget named Andy. Even worse than the verbal assaults, by the tween contingent, are the sanctimonious bitches who spend all their on Ebay, telling sellers what they are doing wrong and often resorting to veiled threats and extortions tactics if the seller refuses to heed their advice. These people need be introduced to a concept known as assisted suicide with me being the one who is "assisting."

Go to Hell