Wednesday, June 16, 2004

Sam the Hamster and his Gigantic Journey

Sam is one of the blessed few. A creature that spends his life in eternal bliss, soaking up all that life has to offer. He is a hamster. His master, the one who showers him with boundless happiness, is known as Bob, Lord of the trailer. Bob loves his charges and would do anything to insure their perpetual job. He is the most masterful of masters. However, Sam sometimes loses perspective, he wishes to venture beyond his plastic walls and see all that the trailer has to offer. Lord Bob expressly forbade such a rash action because he knows all too well the perils that lay beyond the curving tubes and plastic lids. There are monsters in those dusty halls, ones that would swallow an unaware hamster’s very soul. Using the latest in anti-hamster-escape technology, Lord Bob prevents such a tragedy from happening.

Yet, even a god must rest on occasion and last night the impossible became all too real. Sam managed to escape paradise and found his hairy self in hell. Scared beyond measure, terrified to the marrows of his bones, Sam sought salvation and searched for his slumbering lord. Hamsters are not meant to view the godly realms for they tell of secrets most deadly and profane. Yet, Sam dared venture where none had before and sought entrance to those most hallowed of halls. Alas the way would not be made clear. Sam scurried and scratched throughout the dark night but it was to no avail. Apparently Lord Bob is borderline schizophrenic who thinks aliens are coming for him virtually every night, therefore he blocks any and all noise in fear of Martian probes. When the morning light exploded upon the room Sam felt a twang of hope for his god had awoken. Sadly Sam did not account for his deity's small bladder and was nearly squashed by his lumbering lord.

Lord God Bob thought something was amiss but did not dream his hamsters would betray the sacred trust. He went about his daily business, entered the realm of the divine and listed items on Ebay. When He Who Fills the Water Bottle returned the source of his earlier bad omens became apparent. Sam had descended from the perfect and sullied himself in the grime. Bob searched high and low for his beloved child but all appeared lost. The trailer was filled with empty soda boxes, clothes and countless other places for a wayward hamster to hide. In desperation he called out to he who shared his pure blood. The divine duo thoroughly investigated every hiding place and eventually Lord Issy discovered Sam hiding behind a cyclopean structure, the place where Ambrosia did reside. Using his titanic strength God Bob managed the unachievable and moved the structure. Divine sweat did form upon his massive brow but his task was not yet complete. With the uttermost cared Bob picked up Sam, carried him over to his cage and gently put him within. Sam was overjoyed for his tumultuous journey was at an end. And what of the God Most High Bob? He smiled for all was right once more.

Go to Hell
My cable and high speed internet access was turned off today. My daddy "forgot" to pay the last couple bills. I know what you are thinking "What the fuck is wrong with you? Your dad pays your cable bill?" I find it better not to think about it. Plus when you shut the part of the brain off that houses pride and self respect, you can't believe how much easier life becomes. Thankfully I managed to rectify the problem without missing my daily allotment of Miguzi.

Am I pathetic?


Am I a virgin?

No. I know that really isn't relevant but I wanted to salvage some dignity and not come off as a total twat.

Go to Hell