Friday, November 05, 2004

I Hope You Choke on your Abacus

Yeah and I know, I know...all of you who are reading this right now...probably aren't big boys and girls yet with big corporate paying fulltime jobs....That sucks for you! All my hard college work paid off (6 years and 1 QTR)....Im making mad CASH NOW and enjoying every minute of it!!

The preceding statement was taken from an actual AOL IM Buddy Info field. I happen to know this person, and on one glorious occasion, admired her naked breasts. They were nice, if a little too saggy for someone her age. (she was twenty-two) Now, the fact that I have seen her ample bosom up close (approximately 24 inches away, which isn't extremely close but it is close enough) is not relevant to this post, however; it does make me feel all warm inside, a feeling I can only describe as Smurf in Heat. Anyway, all I want to say to this former friend is:

Fuck you. You are working as an accountant. I wouldn't want your job for $100,000 a year. Ok, that is a lie. I would want your job for $100,000 a year, or even the $45,000 you currently make; I wouldn't want to perform fellatio to get said job, which you obviously did. It took you six years and one quarter to graduate from OSU with an undergraduate degree, do not be proud of that fact. (Sorry, Peter)

During that same period, I have managed to: graduate from Denison University; have sex with three different girls; commit perjury; become morbidly obese; watch several thousand hours of the Cartoon Network; earn an Auctioneer's License; develop physic powers; streak nude across a college quad; lick my own nipple; have my buttock finger probed; rack up $10,000 in debt (Students Loans Not Included); live in a dilapidated trailer; sleep over 14,600 hours; write a modern day retelling of the opera, Aida (set entirely in the inner city of Newark, Ohio); learn how to eat with my feet, and do other things, not approved by a podiatrist; alienate most of my friends; write a world reknowned blog; develop a cure for the most heinous of diseases; work at different jobs, for a total of eight weeks; download 21.4 gigabytes of material relating to self sexual understanding; and, lots of other important stuff.

Who is the bigger success, huh?

In retrospect, I should have kept quiet, but you are still a stupid slut.

Go to Hell

People are too stupid for words

I spent the last several hours reading through internet forums and chat logs. The topics included: Gay Marriage, Republicans, the dichotomy of good & evil, religion, and personal hygiene.

I learned the following ten things:

  1. Hitler was only considered evil because he lost. He did a lot of great things for Germany, except for his genocidal rampage on the Jews. Everyone makes mistakes.
  2. Saying "homosexuality is wrong" is considered bigoted. Saying "Christian values are wrong" is considered enlightened.
  3. Mother Teresa was a bitch.
  4. God is a "butt-humper" and Jesus had sex with John the Baptist
  5. Evil is purely subjective. Our perceptions color what is moral and immoral, when in reality everything is amoral.
  6. People like to use Aristotle and Plato to justify atheism.
  7. Lapsed Catholics are going to heaven; the Pope is going to hell.
  8. Homosexuality is neither passed through genes, or informed by environment, instead it is awarded by winning on the Japanese Game Show, Query the Queer?
  9. Condoms would prevent ninety percent of the Third World's problems; abortions would take care of the remaining ten percent.
  10. Baking soda and vaginal secretions are very dissimilar. However, they can both be used when brushing ones teeth.

Go to Hell