Saturday, June 05, 2004

The link from yesterday has died, it seems quite a few other people were engrossed by it as well.

If you missed here is a brief synopsis: A group of retarded British high school students played out a scene where they demonstrated the danger of drugs and alcohol. There dialogue went something like this "Euhhhhhhhh, where is the tea ole chap, duhhhhhhhhh......ehuuuuuuuuu" and they proceeded to beat their chests like a silverback.

Two days and counting until my descent into utter middle class oblivion. Good for me.

Too bad Adult Swim didn't see fit to hire me, they were looking for a marketing manager and who better to manage cartoon markets then Bob?

For your enjoyment I posted my specially Adult Swim tailored resume below.

Go to Hell

Phone # xxxxx


Seeking a position that requires an affinity for cartoons, the necessity to ogle bosomed laden anime characters and takes advantages of my prodigious marketing skills. Ok, I am lying about the last part, I know next to nothing about marketing but an ex-girlfriend once remarked “I would make a great a used car salesman” so that sort of qualifies me. She also did this trick with her tongue, a banana, and Q-Tip but that is neither here nor there.

May 2002
Denison University Granville, Ohio
Bachelor of Arts Religion with Distinction (Cause I am brilliant)

Major's curriculum required skipping massive amounts of class, killing off several relatives in order to graduate, including three maternal grandmothers. I told them we were Mormon, they didn’t ask any questions.


Sigma Alpha Epsilon (Drank copious amounts of alcohol and streaked through campus wearing only a sock located in a strategic spot.)
Peer Tutor at Lincoln Middle School (I had to do it in order to pass an Honors Class, but it still counts, right?)
Walk for Diabetes (I am morbidly obese, it behooved me to take a preemptive strike, oh and my hot HR asked me to do it)
Honors Program Denison University (Lasted for two years but after the death of my second grandmother and a nasty bout with a dumpster I was asked to leave)
Co-Capitan Licking County Relay for Life (The one good deed in my life except I really wasn’t the Co-Capitan but I was there.)

Park Place Antiques Newark, Ohio
June 96-
May 2004
I worked for dad the last eight years in lieu of getting a real job.

Job functions included; lunch, answering a couple emails, second lunch, restroom break, listing a half dozen items on Ebay, mid afternoon snack and workday ending argument with parental unit.

Skills Personal Computers

IBM Compatible (MS Word, Outlook Express, PowerPoint).
I used PowerPoint for a project in Computer Science 101 while attending a Liberal Arts institution that housed servers with 166 MHZ of processing power, I must be an expert.

Familiarity with HTML code- Made a remedial website dedicated to my psychosis; it is really therapeutic, if a little off-putting. Feel free to visit, but if you are a woman, minority, from a Slavic state or Irish please don’t be offended. I am from the Midwest so we don’t have much contact with your kind

Customer Service
Established a stellar customer feedback rating on Ebay with over 4,500 positive responses and anyone who wasn’t satisfied I ignored with extreme prejudice.

Post throes of passion an ex-flame stated my affinity for constructing the truth in a colorful way. That pretty much sums up the marketing profession, doesn’t it? By the way that is a rhetorical question but if you want to reply feel free to do so, but don’t surprised if the answer shatters all your conceptions of time, space and Brittany Spears.

Availability June 2004.