Thursday, February 26, 2004

This blog has existed for over a year now. It started exactly one year and two days ago. A lot has happened in that time. I gained fifty pounds and masturbated over one-thousand times. Well ok not much has occurred unless you count each individual period of "personal" time as a separate occurrence then you would probably classify me as pretty busy. Either that or extremely pathetic and really aren't they the same thing? Regardless you can rest assured that I still hate each and everyone of you very much and will continue my daily prayers to Mara in hopes that your lives turn to shit and are left in shambles.

And if Buddha's cosmic rival doesn't manage to ruin your life, rest assured some dirty Mexicans probably will.

Go to Hell

Saturday, February 21, 2004

I contacted Mensa several days ago in order to ascertain how one joins their esteemed organization. It seems that a score in the 98th percentile on any of several dozen standardized tests is required, oh and you have to pay them $25.00. Hmmmm.... So I have to pay them to be part of the genius club. That does not seem to smart to me. If someone’s intelligence is in the upper 2% echelon they don't need a little Mensa card to make them feel smart. Of course I am an egotistical son of a bitch, who completely lacks any common sense, so I am considering anteing up the money.

However, in my case I have never taken any of their accepted tests so I would also have to pay an extra $35.00 to take the test, then score in the top two percent and finally send them a check for $25.00. Sounds like a lot of work, and money for someone who is unemployed but the potential ego boost far outweighs the negative. Then again the entire application process may just be one elaborate test to weed out anyone foolish to pay them money. Boy that would suck.

Go to Hell

Friday, February 20, 2004

I talk to myself way too much. The occasional mumble, or even a rhetorical question or two is fine but having full blown socio-economic discussions with yourself is unacceptable. I need to leave the trailer and engage in human interaction but that is so much work. My parents refuse to speak with me for more then five minutes. I did try to have an engaging conversation with my little brother but he felt my position on partial-birth abortion was wrong and proceeded to punch me in the nuts.

I didn't really think verbalizing my internal debate was much a of problem until the other day. I was questioning the value of relationships, specifically wondering the worth of sexual activity, when I blurted out that "Bob needs a blowjob." As luck would have it, two middle age gentlemen stepped out of a restaurant in front of me at that exact moment. I sighed in relief when neither offered to give me one.

Go to Hell

Wednesday, February 18, 2004

I cleaned out the basement in the building next to my dad's store. We might make a
couple dollars selling the stuff, which can be used to replace my fucking hip. I am in
excruciating pain and am unable to put weight on my left leg. Due to my gross obesity it is unwise to distribute my massive girth on the right leg, as it very well may buckle underneath me.

Overweight men, with one good leg, are very similar to the elderly because after toppling over all we are able to do is croak out "help me I can't get up" and vainly crawl to a nearby phone.

Go to Hell

Monday, February 16, 2004

The final harbinger is here, the end time draws nigh for Fox television has produced a two-part midget dating show. Thus far it is very similar to the Bachelor except all the parties involved are less than four feet tall. However, there is a major twist "average" sized women will be introduced later in the show. I have two things to say first: Jesus Fucking Christ what is wrong with Fox and second why not introduce chimpanzees into the potential dating pool because midgets and monkeys would make great television.

I could critique the show but really there is no need. The Littlest Groom marks the end of human existence but don't fret because the Cockroach Overlords will soon take over. Hopefully they won't make the same mistake and let insipid reality television destroy the world.

Go to Hell

Update: Miniature women jumping up and down on a bed is sort of hot. I should date a midget especially one who is only dated other midgets because at the very least my junk would look average and perhaps even huge by comparison. Just a thought please continue going to hell.

Update Part Dos: Midget ladies hitting a golf ball is hilarious, not to mention stirring in the groin. That is all, please maintain your descent into the fiery pit.

Saturday, February 14, 2004

Author's Note: Today's post is meant to comfort the lovelorn but it is directed towards those who find themselves in loving relationships.

I am single; several hundred pounds over weight and live in a decrepit trailer. I've dated two women in my life. One is getting married in the summer, the other is destined for a future in amateur porn (specifically movies involving white women with big asses). There is no reason for Bob to be in a celebratory mood on Valentines Day, in fact he is quite unhappy. He is very much alone.

Usually I can forget about being single, or at the very least suppress the unpleasant feelings associated with being alone. Once a year I am forced to recognize how pitiful my love life truly is, there upon I reflect on my sad state of being for several hours. This year is no different. Of course I do find solace in the fact that millions of other people are spending this day alone, dejected and full of bitterness. The following is for those miserable people:

"Hatred is by far the longest pleasure; Men love in haste, but they detest at leisure." Lord Byron

Go out and hate your fellow man, take pleasure in knowing that sometime, most likely in the immediate future, they will be joining you.

Go to Hell you miserable sons of bitches who have someone to hold on Valentines Day. I hope you develop oozing sores all over your genitals and along the inner lining of the rectum.

Wednesday, February 11, 2004

This is why I hate Mexico and Soccer/pussyfootball, besides the obvious reasons, such as the former are stinky and the latter is extremely boring.

Go to Hell

Monday, February 09, 2004

During the commercial break for MTV's The Inferno (which by the way is great fucking television) I watched the commercial for Choose or Lose 2004. I think it is a partisan commercial, basically, it says if two million more young people voted , in the last Presidential election, the results could/would have been different. Beyond that little gripe I take serious issue with the overall message, which is to encourage voting for the 18-34 year old demographic. I am fine with everyone 30 years or older voting in national elections. However, I'd rather everyone age 18-29 stay home.

I know hundreds, if not thousands of people, who fall into that age group and honestly there are maybe six who have any clue what is going on this country. I am a product of a generation that gets their political news from MTV, the Daily Show and watching the headlines banner on CNN. It terrifies me that people of my generation have the potential to sway a national election. I wouldn't trust my demographic to choose a high school hall monitor. To be fair this critique applies to Bob as well. When Democraticus was envisioning a new form of government, he sure as hell didn't have me in mind.

I haven't delved into specific reasons or provided substantial objective support of my assertion because there really is no need to. Our culture is inundated with evidence that clearly points out why young people shouldn't vote. All you need to do is watch MTV, read a college newspaper, observe any social science related graduate course, or simply walk into a local McDonalds to see that I am right.

Go to Hell

Friday, February 06, 2004

Dad: I hope he (Maurice Clarett) breaks both his legs and can't play football again.
Bob: Isn't that a little harsh?
Dad: .......I hope he breaks one leg and can't play for a couple years.
Bob: That works for me.

Go to Hell

Tuesday, February 03, 2004

I enjoyed this column in the Advocate.

My response:

I rather enjoyed Ms. Gibson’s recent column , she made many heartfelt and well reasoned points concerning same sex marriage. I agree with and even support most of her assertions, but those same points do not prove that marriage is a right. In fact I would argue that this is the problem with the institution today.

People take marriage for granted. They believe it is an inalienable right, one that affords them the opportunity to marry whomever, whenever, and however often with minimal foresight of future consequences. Marriage should be treated as a serious undertaking and more importantly a momentous responsibility. It is the most meaningful act two people will participate in, except for parenthood, which should involve the former, but I will tackle one issue at a time.

I am not a legal expert, though it is readily apparent that same sex marriage is not directly addressed in the Federal Constitution or in the legal annals of most states. That is not a major issue since many legal rights, especially those dealing with equality, are inferred rather than specifically outlined. However, as I stated before marriage is less a right than a responsibility. Heterosexuals have sullied the sanctity of marriage. Quickie marriages, with even quicker divorces, are commonplace. Many folks marry based on superficial rationale, or simply on a whim, which inevitably leads to disaster. Yet allowing gay marriage because traditional joinings have failed miserably, is not a valid reason in of itself. Those who decry homosexual marriage as morally and legally reprehensible are not going to readily accept it because traditional marriage has failed.

The only reasonable , and with my limited understanding legal, means to sanctioned gay marriage is through he legislature. While, I may disagree with the position of Jay Hottinger, I do respect how he goes about implementing it. Rather then relying on judges to “make” new law, same sex marriage advocates should write their elected officials, especially those in the state and federal congress, and demand legal recognition of theirright to be responsible.

Go to Hell

Monday, February 02, 2004

CBS Note To Self

Perhaps leaving the halftime festivities to MTV was not a good idea. But, how could we have known? It is not like MTV productions regularly pushes the envelope of good taste and even, somewhat miraculously, offends their own jaded viewers. This was an unforeseeable occurence and we are in no way cupable, of course we will need to shred all the incrimnating internal memos that reveal how much we really knew beforehand. Thankfully it was not like the "slippage incident" overshadowed one of the greatest Super Bowls in recent memory. No, not at all.

Go to Hell