Saturday, July 23, 2005


God, in the form of a discarded box of plastic forks, spoke to me. The Almighty wasn't pleased. Apparently, much to his chagrin—and yes, God is capable of both chaing and grinning, mankind has failed to live up to his expectations. The following is an excerpt from that conversation. The entirety of our exchange is too much for humanity to grasp, it would ruin us all, so here is the cliff notes version.

Midgetry, Faggotry and Muscular Dystrophy are evil; Adultery, Symmetry and Mimicry are not so bad.

Sex before marriage is often awkard, uncomfortable and painful; sex during marriage is much worse.

Men are superior to woman in every way save for one: women have multiple orgasms--God called this an even trade.

Aliens are amongst us, they all are referred to as Canadians.

Menstruation is unnatural; your 9th grade health teacher is a fucking liar.

Love is dead, your parents killed it.

Sometimes it isn't the fight in the dog; it is the year, make and model of the car he is driving.

Penguins are the spawn of Satan; they should be cooked in their own innards and sold to the Slavic people as New Spam.

Sarah Michelle Gellar kissing Selma Blair is the single greatest moment in the history of creation--this is the only absolute, irrevocable truth besides the existence of God.

All peoples less than 4'10" are non-persons fit only to make chocolate and perform in the circus. Children under the age of 15 are exempt from one of these acts; you pick which one at birth.

Insanity is one step from divinity, thinking one is one step from divinity is insanity; see Bob for case in point.

Hamburger helper is good only when cooked with hamburger or pig feet, no exceptions.

These are the abridged words of God as spoken by a box of discarded plastic forks to me, heed them well.