Saturday, November 06, 2004

A Koala Bear

Apparently, within thirty days of being raped, Kobe's alleged victim discussed what she would do with the award money she would undoubtedly receive in civil court. Keep in mind that criminal charges were still in their infancy, yet she had already figured out what to do with the money. Since the conversation was probably drug (marijuana) induced and the witness was, at best, unreliable, here is my recreation of what happened.

The Players

Sean Holloway--Friend of the accuser, alleged pot head, alleged college student and source of the "Koala" revelation

Accuser-- The girl who allegedly took in the pooper from Kobe against her will

Kobe--NBA Superstar and, soon to be, Most Hated Man in LA. Thirty-Five Win Season here we come.

Sean: Hey, what’s up? I am high and have a bad memory.

The Accuser: I am going to get my breasts enlarged with the settlement money. I will have a bright future in the music business.

Sean: What? Doesn't it hurt to talk about this, I mean, it only happened a month ago and you are already discussing spending the settlement money.

Accuser: It only hurt for the first few minutes; we should have used the lube like Kobe said. Otherwise, it was pretty good. My boyfriend was sure jealous after I told him. Anyway, I plan on getting my friend's tits done as well. I could always use top heavy backup dancers.

Sean: Are you saying he didn't rape you?

Accuser: No, of course he raped me. He didn't kiss me long enough post anal or give me his number. He took advantage of me, and made me cry. He deserves to be punished.

Sean: You are right; taking advantage of a money hungry bitch is the very definition of rape. Gloria Allred would be proud.

Accuser: Who is that? That name is familiar, did she teach Home Economics? Anyway, you know what else I am going to do with the money?

Sean: What? Learn how to read?

Accuser: No, no silly. My plan is to fulfill the lifetime wish of a friend: I am going to buy her a koala bear.

Sean: What the fuck?

Accuser: Yea, she always wanted a koala bear and I am going to buy her one. Is it expensive to ship from Austria? I thought about buying a kangaroo, but don't they eat aborigines?

Sean: This sure is some good shit because this can't really be happening.

Accuser: You wanna have sex? I haven't changed underwear in a couple days, though my boyfriend doesn't seem to mind.

Sean: Sex, lies and koala bears: God Love the American Judiciary.

Several Months Later Kobe Learns of this Conversation from his Attorney

Kobe: A fucking koala bear? This bitch is crazy; you know I don't fuck crazy bitches, just stupid ones. That is the last time I let Shaq pick out my flings. You heard that right, I said Shaq was the one who told me to screw the stupid bitch. It is entirely his fault. Or at least, I want you to leak that to the media. The fat bastard is going to pay. Where the fuck is my Cristal and Sprite?

Go to Hell