Wednesday, August 25, 2004

While thinking about the ways that Alltel plans to screw me in the future, I came up with some brilliant film ideas. Last week I spoke about my love for the versus movie, at least concepetually speaking, and that same love inspired several movie ideas.

Here is my favorite one.

Mommy v. Daddy

This film would deal with the pending divorce of two high-strung yuppies and the little boy who asks "Why did daddy leave? Was it because of me?" The movie would begin with the usual Lifetime quality fair, with the mother & father arguing over who gets the summer home in Belize, and why did you have to sleep with the Mexican Nanny named Pedro. For the first thirty minutes the little boy wouldn't be mentioned at all, except for the occassional pan over to his cherubic tear lined face. Eventually mom & dad would run out of commodities to argue over and the custody of their son would come up. Deep down both parties, being innately selfish-bastards, don't want custody of their son. But, since their son was little more than a commodity clothed in flesh they battle out as to who is the more fit parent. The judge, in a moment of perfect clairy, decides the only fair way to determine who gets little Johnny is through Gladitor style combat. The next forty-minutes is dedicated to mommy & daddy bludegoning one another to death in a suburbia styled arena, surrounded with razor sharp white picket fence. Using various implements, such as the weed whacker & Arnold Palmer golf clubs, the two sides are abley equipped in seeking each others demise. At the climax the parents, and the audience, is horrified to learn that not only custody was at stake, but the fate of Johnny's very life is up for grabs. The judge, in another brilliant moment of clarify, decided to spice things up a bit and place Johnny in a cage suspended above a pit of boiling vanilla pudding. If a victor wasn't decided in the next two minutes, Johnny was going to be a boiled pudding pop.

The next minute sees both sides fighting with all their mettle, with many apparent death blows being exhanged. Yet, neither side will fall even after a prodigious loss of blood. All the while Johnny is screaming in the background "Why is daddy hitting mommy with my Louisville slugger, WHY DADDY, WHY?" With only thirty seconds left on the Johnny-is-going-to-die clock, mommy & daddy realize something very important; they can both go adopt a little Cambodian boy and live another day. So, the two parents exhange forced pleasantries and walk out of the arena. Shortly thereafter Johnny is lowered into the boiling pudding and his last words are "Daddy, mommy don't you love me?"

Of course for it to be a true versus movie, there must be an ambigious ending. The movie closes with little Johnny's pudding covered hand shooting forth from the bubbling Cosby-sanctioned mass.

El Fin

Brilliant, right?

Go to Hell