Wednesday, February 16, 2005

I Lied--Fuck You too

Yea, I know that the blog is officially over, but I decided to issue a stay of execution. The blog will continue, at least for a little longer until my career as a porn director picks up.

A friend of mine had some interesting story ideas which inspired me, so I decided to share a short story. It is a story from college, or it least the title is from college. It is a work in progress--I still need to make final edits (which for me means a lot of editing) and rewrite the ending.

It weighs in a little under two-three words, not a lot by short story standards but more than enough to break into several parts over the next two weeks. Don't look for actual political or social commentary to start up for a while, I debating starting another site entirely to cover that. I understand if you don't want to read my short story stylings, but I figure it is better to air out my story ideas here than with my little brother.

Ubiquitous Computing

He had six minutes and fifteen seconds to shower, shave and figure out how to kill his wife. His morning itinerary was exact, making the last to-do on his list a little problematic. Mitchell, like all of his contemporaries, was anything but innovative, he was a creature born of routine and ruled by compulsory habit. Thankfully, his morning regiment only took six minutes to complete. The fifteen seconds not accounted for by the machine were considered incidental, not to mention well within operating morning parameters.

He opted to stab her in the heart with a serrated steak knife—of course, this was not an original idea; Mitchell had simply remembered the money shot of a popular nouveau snuff film. That left him with five seconds to ponder an age old question: Why does belly-button lint smell like curdled milk.

Friday, February 11, 2005

An Exercise in Egocentricity (THE FOLLOWING IS A DIRTY LIE)

This blog has existed for two years, along the way, often in spite of myself, I managed to be entertaining, funny, occasionally witty, and, on rare occasion, thought provoking. So, with those thoughts in minds, here is to me.

I have literally dozens of readers from around the globe--I am really big in Norway; the site has seen nearly fifty thousand unique visitors, which means my devoted twenty-six regular readers have way too much time on their hands. was never meant to be popular--and it really isn't--but I am flattered by those folk who enjoyed reading it. I truly enjoyed providing you, the deviant few, a semi-regular dose of shits and giggles. Here is to you.

My immediate family never cared for this blog. They weren't supposed to know about it, but the little brother, little bitch that he is, tattled on me. He came over to escape the wrath of she-who-hates-her-offspring. I, like any concerned brother, handed him the remote control and told him to leave me the fuck alone. My intention was not for him to look over my shoulder as I wrote a post about sexually molesting a mule--you see, I really wanted him to leave me the fuck alone, but he saw what he saw, told what he saw and made me even more of a pariah in the household.

My father pointed out that this was a waste of time and no one, not even those of the disturbed mind, would read it. Mom eloquently pointed out that I was a stupid bitch writing weirdo shit. I agreed, at least in principle, with father, but vehemently disagreed with mother's assertion. I prefer to think of myself as a weird bitch writing stupid shit. Nonetheless, I knew that this blog was an exercise in ego, a means to express what I should say, and lament what I didn't say. I didn't care what my family , or, for that matter anyone else, thought. In other words, this was my platform--one that often failed to live up to my minds eye, but always managed to make me think and/or shit. However, I did say a few things I regretted and stopped short of communicating several things I really meant.

The anonymity of the internet communication is a dangerous thing; one has a forum where they can say virtually anything, mention the otherwise unmentionable, all the while being protected from serious confrontation by the artificial veil of electronic irresponsibility. The truth, which I have alluded to before, is that I generally care for most people. Push comes to shove, I think the best of mankind--and yes, I even think the same of womankind, even if they are deceitful hell-spawned-hags. Bob hates stupid but he loves people. This blog has limited my discussion to mostly negatives, and while bitching is fun, it isn't productive. I have a lot to say about the world, some of it bad, some of it good, and most of it awkwardly funny, however; this is no longer the place to express it.

I plan on writing in the future: be it in the form of letters to the editor, columns in a zine, short stories on a Lovecraft fan-site, or a semi-autobiographical novel about college. Writing this blog has been a great experience because it has proven that I can spin a clever sentence, even when forgetting to use a comma properly, or ending on a preposition by. Who knows, maybe someday, or Saturday (sounded funny to me), you will read something else of mine and cleverly remark on how my prose has degenerated from speaking about an itchy rectum to commenting on my wife's smelly uterus. One can only hope, in the meantime, this is goodbye.

The archives will remain for a few months, so if there was ever a time to share the abundance of shite that is, it is now. Thanks again for being my audience and stroking my ego in ways that only a Vietnamese prostitute knows how.

God Bless

And least I forget,

Go to Hell

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Friday, February 04, 2005

What I think about Links (not the once staple Personal Computer Golf Game)

If only she would have had a heart attack. Maybe next time when good-natured teenagers stop by, they will shoot her in the head instead of leaving cookies.

I would say that he is a polarizing personality, but since virtually everyone hates him, I will simply refer to him as an ass. It is good to know that professors can be held accountable for their words, though it did take several years and Bill--Talk Dirty To Me--O'Reilly to force the issue.

Finally, I may not share his joy in killing the enemy, but, really, don't we want our soldiers to enjoy their work. I, for one--or would that be two, since Lt. Gen. James Mattis originally expressed it, think that the Taliban soldiers were not positive examples of manhood, in fact, I would call them ball less monkeys. I hope the Council on American-Islamic Relations can forgive my brutal characterization of their Islamic brethren; if they can't, I am willing to let them cut off mom's head and to call it even.

Go to Hell

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

I really should have read the Federalist Papers and not spent Poli Sci 210 dreaming of Linda Schuman

I wanted to write a piece that shared my profound respect for the Constitution. I have spent nearly two hours writing, rewriting, and rewriting what I rewrote concerning this fact. Every revision clearly indicated my sincerity, but no matter how much I tried it came off as obtuse. The problem is I am not capable of doing justice to the document, nor to the brilliant men who created it. They created something that will forever be both timeless and timely. That is all I can think to say. So, umm...good for you Jefferson and crew. I hope that last line is as painful to read as it was to write.

We all are clear that I am pro-Constitution. I just don't like how it’s been used for political ends--by both parties--or, much more importantly, how modern day interpretations have lead to the slaughter of over forty million innocents. It leaves a bitter taste in my mouth that the same document that insures my right to liberty, is used to justify the crushing of pre-infantile skulls. Then again, that's just me.

The real purpose of today's post is to congratulate America's Youth for being ignorant. I still don't want you, the children weaned on MTV and reality television, to vote or do anything more taxing than work as busboys, waitresses and porn stars, but I am really proud of your profound indifference to society at large.

This study, at least according to the article, demonstrates that today's high school students think the First Amendment is a second-rate issue. They also think censorship isn't necessarily bad and that flag burning is illegal. I only disagree with them on one point, and it is for a factual reason, because I completely agree with their intent, flag burning is not illegal in the United States. Go to a crowded space, be it a protest or at a miss ethanol pageant in the local mall, take a piece of fabric, your shirt for example, pour an accelerant on it, take out a lighter and then watch the sparks grow. Guess what will happen? You will be arrested. However, if you do the same thing with the American Flag it is considered a form of expression and not an attempt at arson. It is good to know that our judiciary lacks the common sense found in a generation that spends their free time watching Elimidate.

Personally, I am all for censorship. Some people want to ban Sponge Bob for promoting homosexual values. Others want to ban the speech of those same people who want to ban Sponge Bob. I want both groups to shut the fuck up. Obviously, this isn't going to happen, but it does prove a point: Everyone on some level believes in censorship, usually it involves limiting the rights of those whom you disagree with--that is a bad thing, unless you agree with me. It is the state's job (State and Local Government, and to a limited degree Federal Govt.) to limit access, and yes, even speech of those who endanger the well being of society. In other words, you have every right to cheer for John Kerry, you have every right to write poetry about humping a dolphin, but you don't have any right sitting things aflame in a public place--unless it is yourself, I am all for self-immolation--to have a parade preaching hate and ignorance (KKK and the ACLU), or to market albums towards children that preach killing cops, beating whores, and licking coke off the corpse of your soon-to-be-dead ex-girlfriends ass.

The Constitution was never meant to protect those later examples; in fact, it limited itself so the Federal Government wouldn't be guilty of actually promoting such reprehensible behavior, or worse, creating it. Instead it gave the states the ability to determine how best to protect their citizens from the tyranny of everyday life, while the Federal Government worried about fending off attacks from Brits riding in giant teacups, and negotiating exclusivity trade agreements for French berets.

I am ranting now, which is usually when I am at my best, or worst. Either way, I need to wrap this up, as I have wandered from the original intent of this entry: High School Students still have a modicum of common sense, which can't be said for society at large. They are probably ignorant of the Constitution, but there perceived indifference to the First Amendment, is actually what happens when common sense and ignorance meet. They don't know enough not to know that the Constitution is no longer an elastic document, but a malleable one, whose shape is determined by whatever group--Republican, Democrat, Liberal, Conservative, Progressive, Traditionalist, Christian, Jew, Muslim, Masons--wields the biggest hammer.

Good for you students of America, and shame on you educators who are too damned lazy to indoctrinate them into believing whatever popular society says to believe. Though, I readily admit that taking solace in ignorance--even when serving a good end--is probably a bad thing. Unless, of course, ignorance serves my own ends, then I am for it.

I really should be a public schools administrator.

Go to Hell

My favorite link that I can't read.