It is my birthday and no, I did not hire a whore to service me. While, initially the thought was very appealing, I concluded that intimate relations with a street walker would most likely lead to a venerial disease and eventually the amputation of my penis. Therefore, I now intend to hit on pleasantly plump, loose moraled bar flies, i.e. fat sluts, at a local drinking establishment. Odds are if I am succesful with a local pug nosed oinker I will be a babies daddy in short order. Wish me luck.

Go to Hell

Several weeks ago I signed up for an "adult" dating site. I could claim that it was just for kicks or out of morbid curiosity, but the truth is, they gave a twenty minute porn clip away to all new members. Apparently my profile has been very popular, garnering dozens of personal messages. Since my profile contained the bare minimum of information, and thankfully no pictures, I wondered why it was so popular.It seems I put SWF underneath the interests category and listed oral as my favorite sexual activity. The funny thing is the profile did list my height and weight, which was fairly accurate.

Moral of the story: Chicks dig fat lesbians who are proficient at cunnilingus.

Go to Hell

There will be no new trailer for Bob. Dad and I went to the zoning board of appeals, which is usually just a formality, to present our request for a variance. You see Newark doesn't like trailers within the city limits, unless located in a designated trailer park. However, since we had an existing trailer on the property, it is customary to allow the owner to place a new one on the lot. We were told from the very beginning that there would be no problem with our proposal. Obviously the zoning department failed to take into consideration the crazy fucks that live in this neighborhood. Two neighbors, out several dozen, showed up and voiced complaints. Basically what they said was "We don't like the eyesore that is there now so we don't want you to put a new one on there unless it meets our standards." The board president tried to explain that by putting a new trailer on the lot, the old one, which offended there delicate sensibilities, would be removed. Sadly, the old couple and the aging hippie didn't grasp that concept. They thought by denying us a permit that we would magically removed the old trailer just because. I tried to be diplomatic but it was to no avail. We needed everyone on the panel to approve it, so a majority or even a super majority as we had, would not suffice. One member felt that even one complaint was reason enough to deny the permit. Dad stormed out but did manage to level a few choice words at our "neighbors".

I have several problems with the situation above. First and foremost how is anything ever accomplished in this city, at least in terms of zoning issues, if you have to accommodate every fucking lunatic in the area. The above example perfectly illustrates this point and furthermore exemplifies the utter stupidity of my neighborhood. To make matters worse the hippie, who commonly, as in bi-monthly, builds projects in his yard without proper zoning documentation. In other words he is a big fat stupid hypocrite. On the other hand the old couple who complained live a street and half over, they can't even see the trailer from there property. The whole process beams with idiocy, which really I should expect by now living in this area. Finally, I still can't understand why they wouldn't want a new twenty to thirty thousand dollar manufactured home in their "neighborhood." Most of the homes in this area are not worth twenty thousand dollars. Therefore property values would not have been adversely affected. And, logically even if they were, a new trailer would increase the surrounding value since it would have replaced a forty-five year old one.

Usually, I only half heartedly wish damnation on others but in this case I sincerely hope spend eternity in the fiery pit, or at the very least spend their remaining days on Earth in constant, agonizing pain that slowly drives them insane.

Go to Hell

You ever wonder what it feels like to suckle on an orangutan teat?

I bet it feels nice. At least for her.

Go to Hell

Two weeks ago I had a job. I quit after one week. Today, I started classes at the local college branch in hopes of becoming a high school history teacher. I decided to withdraw tomorrow. I am thinking about adopting a puppy from the local shelter. I will probably end up smothering it with a pillow.

Somewhere an Indian is crying, will someone please buy him a drink.


Go to Hell

Park Place Theatre

Impossibly Old Woman: May I use the restroom?

Mom: Yes.

Ten Minutes Later

Old Woman Departs

Mom: Bob go check out the bathroom.

Me: Why?

Mom: The Old Woman shit herself.

Me: How can you tell?

Mom: There is shit all over her pants.

Me: Great.


I entered the restroom with much trepidation. The toilet seat was down. I picked up and was happy to discover smeared feces all over the seat. As luck would have it I needed to use the restroom shortly thereafter.
El Fin

Sam the Hamster and his Gigantic Journey

Sam is one of the blessed few. A creature that spends his life in eternal bliss, soaking up all that life has to offer. He is a hamster. His master, the one who showers him with boundless happiness, is known as Bob, Lord of the trailer. Bob loves his charges and would do anything to insure their perpetual job. He is the most masterful of masters. However, Sam sometimes loses perspective, he wishes to venture beyond his plastic walls and see all that the trailer has to offer. Lord Bob expressly forbade such a rash action because he knows all too well the perils that lay beyond the curving tubes and plastic lids. There are monsters in those dusty halls, ones that would swallow an unaware hamster’s very soul. Using the latest in anti-hamster-escape technology, Lord Bob prevents such a tragedy from happening.

Yet, even a god must rest on occasion and last night the impossible became all too real. Sam managed to escape paradise and found his hairy self in hell. Scared beyond measure, terrified to the marrows of his bones, Sam sought salvation and searched for his slumbering lord. Hamsters are not meant to view the godly realms for they tell of secrets most deadly and profane. Yet, Sam dared venture where none had before and sought entrance to those most hallowed of halls. Alas the way would not be made clear. Sam scurried and scratched throughout the dark night but it was to no avail. Apparently Lord Bob is borderline schizophrenic who thinks aliens are coming for him virtually every night, therefore he blocks any and all noise in fear of Martian probes. When the morning light exploded upon the room Sam felt a twang of hope for his god had awoken. Sadly Sam did not account for his deity's small bladder and was nearly squashed by his lumbering lord.

Lord God Bob thought something was amiss but did not dream his hamsters would betray the sacred trust. He went about his daily business, entered the realm of the divine and listed items on Ebay. When He Who Fills the Water Bottle returned the source of his earlier bad omens became apparent. Sam had descended from the perfect and sullied himself in the grime. Bob searched high and low for his beloved child but all appeared lost. The trailer was filled with empty soda boxes, clothes and countless other places for a wayward hamster to hide. In desperation he called out to he who shared his pure blood. The divine duo thoroughly investigated every hiding place and eventually Lord Issy discovered Sam hiding behind a cyclopean structure, the place where Ambrosia did reside. Using his titanic strength God Bob managed the unachievable and moved the structure. Divine sweat did form upon his massive brow but his task was not yet complete. With the uttermost cared Bob picked up Sam, carried him over to his cage and gently put him within. Sam was overjoyed for his tumultuous journey was at an end. And what of the God Most High Bob? He smiled for all was right once more.


Go to Hell

My cable and high speed internet access was turned off today. My daddy "forgot" to pay the last couple bills. I know what you are thinking "What the fuck is wrong with you? Your dad pays your cable bill?" I find it better not to think about it. Plus when you shut the part of the brain off that houses pride and self respect, you can't believe how much easier life becomes. Thankfully I managed to rectify the problem without missing my daily allotment of Miguzi.

Am I pathetic?

Yes.

Am I a virgin?

No. I know that really isn't relevant but I wanted to salvage some dignity and not come off as a total twat.


Go to Hell

Now, I remember what I was going to announce.

Sadly, it was very stupid.


Go to Hell

I have an announcement

Sadly I forgot what it was.


Go to Hell