Auction v. Bob


Today was a good day to auction. The bids were high, the bids were frequent, and the bids were well received. The auction generated nearly $14,000 in sales, which is a new record for us and an extremely high take, by any standard, considering the sale include only three-hundred items. I have reached the top of the mountain, so now it is time to retire. I am hoping the Social Security Administration will take into consideration my wondrous one-time achievement and let me collect on my insubstantial contributions forty odd years early.

I am thinking about buying a cozy little trailer in central Florida and living my golden decades in paradise. Shuffleboard stardom, here I am come.


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Bethany is a brave little girl. She is cute, spunky and full of life. Her young life was dedicated to surfing. While pursuing her dream a shark bit off her arm. This occurred almost a year ago. I remember the story because first, it involved a man-hungry shark and second the little girl managed to survive. Relatively shortly thereafter, as in within several months, little Bethany took up surfing once again. To me that was more amazing than the actual attack. I questioned what sane parent would let their pre-pubescent daughter surf once again after losing an extremity.

After watching an episode of True Life dedicated to professional surfing, I now know the answer to that very question. A fucking bad parent allows their young armed challenged daughter back into the ocean. Her mother said something to the effect of

"It is her dream...blah blah blah...you never know she might be best...blah blah blah...Jaws, the ultimate oceanic predator, can't stop her, who am I to try?"

<>
Ok, that quote isn't entirely accurate but you get the idea. The dumb bitch failed to understand one simple truth; a god damn shark ate her daughter's arm. I know that the odds of a shark attack, even for surfers, are very low. And since she lost one arm, odds are she won't lose another. However, I am more of the mindset of what if you are shark attack rod, like the late Roy Scheider. (I know he isn't physically dead, but other than the occasional Jaws Thirtieth Anniversary interview, what has he done in the last five years?) and can't help but to attract the attentions of the two ton oceanic predators, what then? I understand that little Bethany has another arm and two perfectly healthy legs to offer up, yet I am thinking the minimal payday that 99% of "professional" surf boarders receive isn't worth it. Of course being the world's gimp surfing champion might entail some lucrative endorsements.

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I missed the memo where they decided to change April Fools to September 9th.

Go to Hell

My favorite blogger. I can really relate to him.

Go to Hell

I am rather fond of Google. It is a cutting edge company filled with brilliant people. But, I must call a spade a spade and you Mr. Google are a bitch. Why? I signed up for Google Adsense in order to generate thousands of dollars in revenue. Ok, actually that is a lie; I signed up as a lark but did not expect to get turned down. Apparently my site contains "sensitive content" which Google does not want to be associated with.

This is the company that made their recent fortune largely from search engine technology. Guess what millions of people look up on Google everyday- Porn and I mean hardcore butt-licking midget peeing porn. Anyone who uses the internet understands that this is a given and does not hold Google responsible. They are simply facilitating an expeditious service that makes navigating the net all the more easier. However, lets be frank for a moment, Google has corrupted untold millions by helping them discover the world of Swedish animal bukkake sites. Their multi-billion dollar IPO is due in large part to sexual perversity. Yet, my little pearl of online wisdom, which occasionally does deal with risqué subjects, isn't acceptable.

You know what I think- they are a bunch of Neo-Nazi's who are only concerned with oppressing the modern day equivalent of the Jews, Bob.

I would boycott but gmail is such a nifty service and you never know when the itch to search for Monkey on Midget porn might arise.

Go to Hell

P.S. ihateyou has been defined.

Bob by the Years


1980- Year of my birth and ascendancy of the great RR.


1981- Moved to the sunshine state.


1984- I left paradise and returned to Ohio. Thanks mom and dad.


1985- Beat up the school bully with several friends. He went to the hospital and the police interviewed me at home. My friends sold me out and blamed me for everything. I blamed them for everything. Thankfully the bully in question was poor and stupid so the authorities let the matter drop.


1986- My first girlfriend and kiss. The former wouldn't occur again for fifteen years, the latter only took twelve years and hours of incessant begging to happen again.


1987- Killed a small Asian woman for looking at me too long. Still regret not stealing her purse.


1989- First memorable erection


1994- First meaningful crush. I think she became a lesbian.


1995- Second through tenth meaningful crushes. RD still holds a special place in my heart even if she tormented me in both English and Spanish. Realized that typing love letters and giving potted flowers as gifts is a bad idea. Actually I didn't realize that for another eight years.


1996- Passed the DMV exam on my second try. Still can't backup into a parking place.


1997- Masturbated 10 times in one day. It is still my proudest moment.


1998- Graduated high school and vowed to lose virginity. Also started college


1999- Realized my vow isn't going to happen for a very long time. Joined SAE and paid a lot of money to hang out with alcoholics, Jews and a farmer from Vermont.


2000- Drop out of school and come to realization that all women are whores. Returned to school six months later. Also known as the Year of the Whore. (Damn you Jenna for blowing Norman. Feminist my ass, whore is more like it.)


2001-Make good on my vow from three years previous and managed to alienate the lucky girl in such a way that she doesn't acknowledge the act or my existence to this very day. She is happily married now. Pulled a sapling out of the ground.


2002- Had sex with another girl many, many times and try to make up for lost time. Graduated from college. Realized that I have a small penis when girlfriend says in a complimentary tone "you feel big tonight." Committed perjury in a trial centering on Treeicide which became known as Granville's Most Notorious Case in the new century.


2003- Worked for six and half weeks (a new personal best) Also had sex once or twice with another girl. She wanted to be European and was too hairy for my tastes. Due to these encounters my hatred for France grew exponentially.


2004- Tipped the scales at 275lbs and realized I am officially the fattest person I know. Sadly am very proud of that fact.



Go to Hell

There are times when I question the purpose of existence. Why are we here? What is our purpose? Where does it all lead? There are other, much more frequent, times when I realize the truth; God hates each and every one of us.

Paris Hilton is evidence of that fact.


Why in high hell does this pretentious little twat get a book deal? She is a dirty, dirty whore and I have the forty-five minute video to prove it. Hey, look at me. I suck good dick and am able to act like a complete ass on Fox television. My daddy is very successful and one day, when he dies from shame, I will inherit millions of dollars. Of course all that money and "fame" cannot change one undeniable truth; I am stupid bitch. My mantra, much like my Vietnamese sisters, is “Five Dollah... Sucky lonnng time."


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Useless Information that may save your LIFE


I wanted to wish everyone a Happy Tuesday.

Did you know that Tuesday originates from the Norse God of War, Tir? I bet you didn't. Also, the counterpart on the Roman calendar was Martis, the day of Mars, who was the Roman God of War.

Next time you are feeling ungrateful and complain that it is "only Tuesday" beware; Tir or Mars may very well be listening and the Gods of War are notorious for disemboweling unbelievers.

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Last night, while thinking about new ways to stimulate my imaginary clitoris, I came to a stunning revelation. I forget about soon after when envisioning the various things I would do with my imaginary clitoris, but that is of no matter because I have decided to do something very important. Bob plans on voting in the upcoming Presidential election.

The problem is I have no idea how one goes about registering to vote, or to be exact where one registers to vote. I could look it up on the source of all knowledge or simply call the city and ask but where is the fun in that (Plus that requires a bit of effort on my part. I only expend energy on research when it involves clitoral piercing or invasions from alternate dimensions by giant arachnids).

Instead, I, Mr. Robert Kyle Wilson, request that you, the masses who shower me with adulation, share this information. And please do remember that I am extremely lazy so please only offer the simplest and most pain-free registering options.


Go to Hell
Vote SMG & EC 2008

After seeing this , I decided to pierce my clitoris.

Wish me luck.

Go to Hell