Hermeneutic of Suspicion

I don't really have anything profound or funny to say, but I do want to recommend a book. It is a very entertaining read and fairly informative, too. The author, Ann Coulter, is guilty of grandiloquence, but that is an excusable fault and one that is based less on her character and has more to do with graduating from Columbia.

The book is written with a specific agenda--Liberals are guilty of treason--so it might offend some of you, however; I guarantee it will make you think. I thoroughly enjoyed it, if only for the bountiful supply of clever insults to levy against my Communist friends. (I kid--the friends in question are Marxists) Here is a selected quote from Treason:

"They hate us? We hate them. Americans don't want to make Islamic fanatics love
us. We want to make them die. There's nothing like horrendous physical pain to
quell angry fanatics. So sorry they're angry--wait until they see American
anger. Japanese kamikaze pilots hated us once, too. A couple of well-aimed
nuclear weapons go their attention. Now they are gentle little lambs."

I want you read to this book because it presents an alternative historical narrative. (And it made me giggle) It may not be completely accurate, though most textbooks and historical records aren't either. The point is that one shouldn't accept something as truth simply because the media or academia says so--they tend to be biased just like you and me. Get all the facts, divorce them from the opinions, and go with what is left. (I was going to write "what is right" but that sounded too partisan) Or you could just ask me what to believe; I am the source of all knowledge and minister of moral clarity.


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It is only Blood Money

The plot thickens and continues to unfold like a bad novel written by Danielle Steele, edited by John Grisham and published in conjunction with Tom Clancy. The United Nations has no creditability whatsoever.

At best, it ignored the windfall of money that Saddam made off of the Oil for Food Program; at worst, it condoned and supported this financial treachery. Keep in mind that Saddam used this money to support the families of Palestinian suicide bombers. Also, these funds went towards the purchase of munitions from the French and Russians, which were later used to kill his own people and are currently being used, by the remnants of the Baath party, to kill American soldiers. Oh and let us not forget the several billion dollars Saddam and company pocketed for personal prosperity and to fund future weapon programs--those pesky WMDs keep coming up.

It is good to know that the U.N. serves the interests of totalitarian dictators, Jacques Chirac, Vladimir Putin, Communist China, terrorists and virtually everyone else but THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. It is little wonder that this organization failed to give its undivided support for the War in Iraq. It was too busy supporting Saddam in Iraq.

The United States has been going it "alone" long before this war began; we were just the last ones to realize it.


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Fat Asses Rejoice

Here is to another blow struck in the name of congestive heart failure.

I am afraid that it might, and I stress might, be too much sandwich for the Bee Oh Bee.

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What Would Fat Albert Say

Bill Cosby is a man on a mission. I respect his position and recent ranting concerning black youth. He isn't being politically correct, he isn't bowing to pressure from within his community, instead; he is demanding that blacks take responsibility for themselves. It is unheard of today for any public figure to preach the virtue of self accountability.

I share many of his sentiments and reservations about the black community, however; due to my pink pigmentation, I am not allowed to say it without being labeled a racist. Do yourself a favor and read the transcript. Cosby isn't completely right, but he is a helluva lot closer to the truth than virtually every major civil rights leader and organization in the country.

Peter, thanks for sending the link and pointing out these Cosby nuggets of wisdom.

"The word bastard no longer is something that you can throw at someone and embarrass them."

"Four and a half hours of homework is necessary. Got to be 4 1/2hours, minimum."

"The word nigger is an accepted wonder. You're so hip with nigger, but you can't even spell it."

Preach on Bill Cosby, even if you don't care what I, a white person, think about you.


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They must be smoking Blue Grass

Anyone who calls 9-11 to complain about a smoking ban, hoax or not, should be shot in the head. Furthermore, anyone who calls the local police department or sheriff's office to complain about the issue should be shot in the ass.

Then again, this incident took place in Kentucky--the state that makes West Virginians feel smarrtt.

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My Love Will Endure

I wanted to like Van Helsing. Actually, I wanted to fucking love it. I think Hugh Jackman is dreamy--in a heterosexual way. Kate Beckinsale is unbelievably beautiful--in an I want to hump her children's children's children way. I love monster movies and am even a bigger fan of versus films. This movie was destined for Bob to enjoy. The problem is I absolutely hated it.

I could blame it on Stephen Sommers; he is a talent less hack. But you see, I liked the Mummy films, they were good popcorn flicks and well worth $6.00 a pop.

I don't want to think it, more less write it, but maybe Hugh Jackman was the problem. Van Helsing wasn't a likable character, nor did he work as a dark anti-hero. And, I won't even mention the whole "I am a Werewolf" character arc. Kate Beckinsale sucked. Her accent was horrible and she brought the emotional impact of a dead possum to the character. All I could think was, "Please take your shirt off and spank me like I like it." Ok, I would have thought that regardless but she still sucked.

Richard Roxburgh, who played Dracula, was painful to watch. Dracula is supposed to be menacing, not horrifically funny. However, his performance was not the worst in the film, not by a long shot. Frankenstein was the biggest disappointment in the entire film. He acted like a monk with sexual identity issues, which doesn't work for the original Zombie without a cause. I could forgive the performances and directing, or lack there of, if the story made some sense and provide a minimal amount of enjoyment. It failed to do both.

The story sets up a sequel during the first ten minutes, it just never bothers to tell a story within the actual movie itself. This is typical of Sommer's work; he usually presents a series of loosely connected action sequences with no semblance of story to be found there in. Like I said earlier, I liked the Mummy films, so I am all for movies with no plot. All I require and really need from a film is to be entertained, be it in the form of bouncing breasts, pie sex, Freddy eviscerating Jason, or the whispered utterance of Rosebud. Van Helsing utterly failed to provide any entertainment value. I found it almost as objectionable as House of a Thousand Rob Zombies.

I am glad that I missed it at the theatre, but I am upset that I wasted $3.00 renting it. I want my money back and, more importantly, I want my two hours of time back--I still love you Hugh and want to carry your baby, in a man-crush sort of way.


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Even the Blind Can See

I blame myself, really I do. I shouldn't have expected the DVD rental to work; Blockbuster has far more important things to do--like merging with Hollywood Video--then to worry about the condition of my rentals.

It isn't like the DVD in question was scarred with several FUCKING HUNDRED scratches. It usually isn't appropriate to use the word "scarred" in relation to a DVD, but this is rare exception. Since I couldn't watch the movie, I counted the number of visible scratches on Side A. I quit after one hundred and twenty-seven. A blind man couldn't miss the condition of this DVD; the damage would have been crystal clear, even in Helen Keller's eyes.

The movie did play, sort of. It was possible to watch three to four minute snippets of the film before the disc froze, which usually lasted for a couple minutes, and then it skipped twenty minutes ahead into the film.

Yet, I do want to believe that this movie had just been returned in this condition, that the fine Blockbuster employees didn't have a chance to discover its heinous condition. Of course, I can't buy into that theory since I watched the stupid bitch open up the case and look at the DVD before handing it to me. She did so to make sure it was the right movie, maybe it is asking too much for her to notice that the DVD consisted 10% of unmarred surface and 90% scratch.
I am just too demanding. In the future, I will just punch the bitch in the head and look for myself.

And to think, Blockbuster turned me down for a job on a half dozen occasions. That doesn't say much for me, but it speaks volumes about my people skills.

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Better Off Dead

Peace is now possible in the Middle East.


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Like I said Before

If only this would have happened earlier, I could have escaped the rainbow powered wrath of the NAACP. Nonetheless, I am glad that Ron Artest is too busy to play basketball; his burgeoning rap career most definitely takes precedence over his day job which pays him a paltry several hundred thousand dollars a game. He makes more in two hours of "work" than most people will earn in five years. Here is to Biggie rising from the grave and putting a cap in Artest's ass, zombie style.


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Come On

I enjoy irreverent cartoons, the play between cartoon reality and real world vulgarity is fun to watch, however; I just learned that there is point where crude humor ends, and offensive pornography begins. Drawn Together illuminated me to this fact.

Tonight's episode centered on a sexually ambiguous character's struggle with self identity, and subsequent quest to rid his person of "faggotry." The content matter was offensive because it had been done so much better by the likes of Family Guy, South Park, Futurama and The Simpsons. Yet, I know that it is hard to be creative and it is much easier to copy, and mangle, the jokes of the successful shows that preceded it. Drawn Together did manage to do something that no other cartoon or television show had ever thought of doing: They had God, in all his animated glory, poking a semi-blurred, toon penis with his finger. Oh, I almost forgot, he sniffed the penis before poking it. Yea...that bothers me just a wee bit.

I can't imagine why this was allowed to air. Who in the fuck could think this was acceptable, even by Comedy Centrals standards. This is a new television low; Drawn Together has managed to surpass Cop Rock in terms of sheer vulgarity. I am afraid of what will come next, though I have a pretty good idea: Babies eating feces out of their decapitated mother's neck. It is a sure fire ratings winner.

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