Saturday, March 04, 2006

Should Have Bites and Retarded Football

Robert Horry, the single greatest clutch shooter without the initials MJ, decided to take a little nip out of his competition. The replay shows he didn't actually bite down; in fact, it appears he didn't even really gum his opponent. Apparently it is hard to target another large, sweaty man in the midst of a two team tangle up. Mr. Clutchtastic has been suspended for a couple games, which is largely unwarranted, even if he had successfully bitten Stackhouse, it looked like the bite was to extricate Horry from the tangle up, not to cause injury or share rabies. Big Rob just wanted to go home and celebrate another Spurs victory by banging an Eastern European porn star. Can't we all relate?

Vince Young has taken a lot of heat for being stupid; his agent claims the allegations are untrue and unfair. Recently, Vince has said something similar. First and foremost, I am certain Young didn't score 6 out of 50 on the Wonderlic test; based on the carefully worded releases from both the NFL and his agent, Major Adams, I am fairly certain Young scored between a 7 and a 9 on the test. However, this score range still indicates illiterate status. His second score was 16, which indicates just north of stupid, which is not an uncommon characteristic amongst professional athletes--see Dan Marino. The real problem is that the types of questions on the Wonderlic, and some have hinted the ACTUAL questions from the test, are readily available to all agents and players. So even a stupid person should do reasonably well on the Wonderlic, it is virtually an open book test, unless, of course, they suffer from one of the following conditions: a learning disability that has gone undiagnosed for seventeen year; illiteracy, again that has gone unnoticed for seventeen years; fucking retard syndrome.

It wouldn't surprise me if Young had skated through his scholastic career based solely on his athletic prowess; this sort of thing happens everyday. It is entirely plausible that he suffers from a learning handicap or is even illiterate. On the other hand, running an college offense, simple or not, requires one to be able to distinguish symbols and words; Young either faked it really well or his coaches brought in extra "help" to translate the complex squares, circles and slots to Young. I don't believe this to be the case. It just doesn't seem reasonable that a NCAA College Football National Championship team was centered on a guy just winging it or one who required an immense amount of time to digest the plays and only with the aid of other people. Furthermore, if this did occur, Young and his agent would know this going in and would have ample time to properly prepare for the test or asked that its format be sufficiently changed to respond to his disability, i.e. replace letters and numbers with pictures of dollar signs.

What really happened is that Vince Young is fucking retarded. He is either too stupid to pass the test, even after knowing all the answers going in, or he is too God damn arrogant to even try. I would rather he be stupid, because stupid can be loveable, endurable and even successful, on the other hand, conceit and arrogance in an untested pro is a recipe for a broken leg and motorcycle accident. Can a stupid person succeed at Quarterback? Yes, Dan Marino is not a smart man, however he was an incredible athlete and he a natural savvy when it came to the game, then again, he never did win a Super Bowl, so maybe stupid does have some limitations. Can a conceited, arrogant and largely unproven Quarterback succeed in the NFL? Probably not, but it does help if your last name is Manning.


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